My Top Male actors

Benicio del Toro

19/2/1967, Pisces, Santurce - Puerto Rico, Fire Goat, birthpath no.8,  6´tall

I´ve seen him first in Things We Lost in Fire,where he portrayed quite difficult role of a heroin addict. This movie is must see, brilliant story and very moving plot. His character is incredible! Apart from this flick, I´ve seen most of his movies, but none got to me as much as this one. Beno is one of the greatest actors I know, he´s got the charisma and acting skills of utter proffessional. I also liked him in Snatch, Sin City, Usual Suspects or Werewolf.

Ryan Gosling
12/11/1980, Scorpio, London - Ontario, Canada, Metal Monkey, birthpath no. 5, 6´tall
The first movie I remember with Ryan was probably The Blue Valentine. I actually didn´t like him at first, I thought nothing of him and didn´t find him interesting at all. But after seeing him in more movies like Drive, Place Beyond the Pines or All Good Things, I knew he is remarkable talent and I immediately loved him. I love the roles of distant, yet protective men that he emodied in Drive and Pines, and I absolutely adore his way of acting. 

Gerard Butler
13/11/1969, Scorpio, Glasgow - Scotland, Earth Rooster, birthpath no.4,  6´2 tall
Now he´s one of the rather unique actors. I´ve seen him first in Phantom of the Opera, where I fell for his character of a "Bad and Ugly guy" you just feel sorry for, but later on, he portrayed even good guys and still, it didn´t stop me from liking him. Before he started to act in big screen hits like 300, I´ve seen him in rather less commercial flicks like "Dear Frankie", which was Scottish production and had very nice plot. I just like Gerard, there is something about the way he talks in his Scottish accent. Other movies to mention are Butterfly on the Wheel, PS. I love you...

Jeff Bridges
4/12/1949  Sagittarius, LA - California, Earth Ox, Birthpath no.3,  6´1  tall
Now this guy is one hell of an actor. I´ve known him since ever, and his movies are just one better then the other. He´s tremendous actor, I´d say one of the best there is. Just to mention few great movies: Fearless, Fabulous Baker Boys, Vanishings, Jagged Edge, Mirror has two faces, Big Lebowski, Door in the Floor, Arlington Road....and many many more. Apart from all the acting, he´s quite creative and artistic guy, and he runs his own website www.jeffbridges.com that is full of great stuff. He also does his own music and makes photographs. 

Colin Firth
10/9/1960  Virgo, Grayshott - UK, Metal Rat, birthpath no. 8,  6´2 tall
He was my big favourite when he played the BBC series of Pride and Prejudice, where he portrayed the stubborn and harsh Mr Darcy. Every woman fell in love with this guy in instant! Later on he played in somehow updated version of Pride and Prejudice in Bridget Jones Diary. He´s smart, intellingent and very sensible actor. I also liked him in English patient, eventhough he didn´t  play the leading role. 

Sean Bean
17/4/1959  Aries, Sheffield -UK, Earth pig, birthpath no.9, 5´10 tall
He always played such villain guys, usually bad characters, but that was only in accord with his rough appearance. I first have seen him in series of Scarlett O´Hara, the old historic epic. Some of his other movies are Lord of the Rings, Troy or Hitcher.

Javier Bardem
1/3/1969  Pisces, Las Palmas - Spain, Earth rooster, birthpath no.11, 6´ 0 tall
The first time I´ve seen Javi was in The Sea Inside. It was such an inspirational thing to see, so sad and yet hopefull. He was absolutely mesmerising in his role. The movie was in Spanish, but still too good to be true. Other movie I loved him in was Milos Forman´s Goya´s ghosts. Among other ones he played also in Huevos d´Oros, Love in Times of Cholera, Vicky Christina Barcelona or Eat Pray Love. Them all were fabulous movies. 

Mickey Rourke
16/9/1952  Virgo, Schenectady - NY, Water dragon, birthpath no.6, 5´11 tall
well he used to be so popular and so handsome, that every movie he made covered up the fact he actually can´t act very much. At least that´s what I thought. I´ve seen him in 9 1/2 weeks, Angel Heart, Wild Orchid, Harley Davidson and Marlboro man, Sin City and of course the Wrestler. But the lastest movie proved everyone wrong, he acted so bizzarely well that one had to shed a tear when watching him....

Christopher Lambert
29/3/1957  Aries, Great Neck - NY, Fire rooster, birthpath no.9, 6´00 tall
He´s terrific actor. I´ve seen him first in Highlander and then Tarzan, both very captivating roles and he´s got that enigmatic status ever since. Apart from these, he also played for example in Resurrection, or Knight moves. 

Timothy Dalton
21/3/1946  Aries, Colwyn Bay - UK, Fire Dog, birthpath no.8, 6´2 tall
My favourite actor since the time of Heatcliff in Wuthering heights. I don´t think despite it all, there is any more enigmatic actor on todays scene. Maybe he´s aged by now, but his charisma survived the time. His other fantastic romantic role was that of Edward Rochester in Jane Eyre and Rhett Buttler in Scarlet. 
And of course, his leadin role of 007 in Licence to Kill!

Sam Worthington
2/8/1976  Leo, Surrey - UK, Fire Dragon, birthpath no. 6,  5´10 tall
I saw him only in few movies but the one that persuaded me about his acting skills was The Man on the Ledge. His style is good, he is extremely charismatic and comes across like a strong lead character for action type movies, eventhough I quite dislike this genre. He is a masculine hero that can tame any demons be it on the screen or beyond. Plus, his voice is simply hypnotic!

My 10 top books

Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Basil Hallward is working on the best painting of his artistic life, a portrait of a young beautiful man, Basil’s new muse Dorian Gray. A close friend Lord Henry Wotton is taken with the beautiful portrait of Dorian and wishes to meet Basil’s muse in the flesh. Basil reluctantly introduces Dorian and Lord Henry, as he fears the damaging influence Lord Henry could have on the innocent and impressionable young Dorian. He has cause to fear as on their first meeting Lord Henry awakens Dorian’s awareness of his beauty and youth. Looking upon the portrait Dorian becomes upset and curses the portrait for how the image will always be that beautiful whilst he will fade, it is then he offers his soul for their places to be switched. As Lord Henry’s influence becomes stronger over Dorian he falls into a life of parties, opera, women, alcohol, drugs and debauchery. However what his friends really want to know is how as the years pass not a line of age or blemish of abuse falls upon his beautiful face.

Dorian Gray classic

The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho

The novel tells the tale of Santiago, a boy who has a dream and the courage to follow it. After listening to "the signs" the boy ventures in his personal, Ulysses-like journey of exploration and self-discovery, symbolically searching for a hidden treasure located near the pyramids in Egypt. When he decides to go, his father's only advice is "Travel the world until you see that our castle is the greatest, and our women the most beautiful". In his journey, Santiago sees the greatness of the world, and meets all kinds of exciting people like kings and alchemists. However, by the end of the novel, he discovers that "treasure lies where your heart belongs", and that the treasure was the journey itself, the discoveries he made, and the wisdom he acquired.

Alchemist

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

Unlike most novels, Wuthering Heights' protagonists are anti-heroes; the very antithesis of what a hero is supposed to be. Instead of compassionate and heroic, Heathcliff and Catherine are selfish and petty. Instead of being blissfully in love, Catherine marries someone else and breaks Heathcliff's heart. Too proud to tell each other their true feelings, they fight, storm and rage against each other, destroying themselves in the process. Most people dislike this novel, for its gloomy perspective, tragic outcome and psychological drama. However, Catherine and Heathcliff are perhaps more realistic than most other novel characters claim to be. They not only make mistakes, they cause debacles, completely devastate both people and places and ruin it all by blaming solely themselves. The novel begins when all four, including the narrator and housekeeper, are children. Catherine and Hindley are true blooded siblings, and Heathcliff is sort of "adopted" into their family. The plot unravels, and with it, the characters, blooming into bitterness and pride simply by being dishonest with each other. The entire drama is a destruction of a human soul; how love can save and damn one man. Brontë brings in a whole new perspective on love. It isn't the epic ballad in tales, or the beautiful quiet bloom between spouses; this is rampant, tragic and interbred with other less desirable qualities until it is no longer recognizable until the very end.

Wuthering Heights

Angela´s Ashes by Frank McCourt

Angela's Ashes is a 1996 memoir by the Irish-American author Frank McCourt. The memoir consists of various anecdotes and stories of Frank McCourt's impoverished childhood and early adulthood in Brooklyn, New York and Limerick, Ireland, as well as McCourt's struggles with poverty, his father's drinking issues, and his mother's attempts to keep the family alive. Angela's Ashes was published in 1996 and won the Pulitzer Prize for Biography or Autobiography. A sequel to the book, 'Tis, was published in 1999, and was followed by Teacher Man in 2005.

Angela´s ashes

Miracle in the Andes by Nando Parrado

In October 1972, a plane carrying an Uruguayan rugby team crashed in the Andes. Not immediately rescued, the survivors turned to cannibalism to survive and after 72 days were saved. Rugby team member Parrado has written a beautiful story of friendship, tragedy and perseverance. High in the Andes, with a fractured skull, eating the flesh of his teammates and friends, Parrado calmly ponders the cruelties of fate, the power of the natural world and the possibility of continued existence. "I would live from moment to moment and from breath to breath, until I had used up all the life I had." Parrado, who for the past 10 years has been giving inspirational talks based on his experiences, lost his mother and sister in the crash. Struggling to stay alive, his guide becomes his beloved father: "each [stride] brought me closer to my father... each step I took was a step stolen back from death." More than a companion to the 1970s bestselling chronicle of the disaster, Alive, this is a fresh, gripping page-turner that will satisfy adventure readers, and a complex reflection on camaraderie, family and love.

Miracle in the Andes

The Man who Laughs by Victor Hugo

Victor Hugo's The Man Who Laughs (first published under the French title L'Homme qui Rit in April 1869) is a sad and sordid tale -- not the sort of tale of the moment Hugo was known for. It starts on the night of January 29, 1690, a ten-year-old boy abandoned -- the stern men who've kept him since infancy have wearied of him. The boy wanders, barefoot and starving, through a snowstorm to reach a gibbet bearing the corpse of a hanged criminal. Beneath the gibbet is a ragged woman, frozen to death. The boy is about to move onward when he hears a sound within the woman's garments: He discovers an infant girl, barely alive, clutching the woman's breast. A single drop of frozen milk, resembling a pearl, is on the woman's lifeless breast..

The Man who laughs

Women who run with wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

"A healthy woman is much like a wolf: robust, chock-full, strong life force, life-giving, territorially aware, inventive, loyal, roving. Yet separation from the wildish nature causes a woman's personality to become meager, thin, ghosty, spectral. We are not meant to be puny with frail hair and inability to leap up, inability to give chase, to birth, to create a life. When women's lives are in stasis, ennui, it is always time for the wildish woman to emerge; it is time for the creating function of the psyche to flood the delta...It means to establish territory, to find one's pack, to be in one's body with certainty and pride regardless of the body's gifts and limitations, to speak and act in one's behalf, to be aware, alert, to draw on the innate feminine powers of intuition and sensing, to come into one's cycles, to find what one belongs to, to rise with dignity, to retain as much consciousness as we can."

Women who run with wolves

The Diary of a Young girl by Anne Frank

This is a book of the writings from the Dutch language diary kept by Anne Frank while she was in hiding for two years with her family during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands. The family was apprehended in 1944 and Anne Frank ultimately died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. After the war, the diary was retrieved by Anne's father, Otto Frank, the only known survivor of the family. The diary has now been published in more than 60 different languages. Anne Frank's diary is among the most enduring documents of the 20th century. She documented her life in hiding from 12 June 1942 to 1 August 1944. Initially, she wrote it strictly for herself. Then, one day in 1944, Gerrit Bolkestein, a member of the Dutch government in exile, announced in a radio broadcast from London that after the war he hoped to collect eyewitness accounts of the suffering of the Dutch people under the German occupation, which could be made available to the public. As an example, he specifically mentioned letters and diaries. Anne Frank decided that when the war was over she would publish a book based on her diary. Because she did not survive the war, it fell instead to her father to see her diary published.

Diary of Young Girl

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Le Petit Prince" is a novella and the most famous work of French writer and poet Saint-Exupéry. An earlier memoir by the author recounted his aviation experiences in the Sahara desert. He is thought to have drawn on those same experiences for use as plot elements in The Little Prince. Though ostensibly a children's book, The Little Prince makes several profound and idealistic observations about life and human nature. For example, Saint-Exupéry tells of a desert fox meeting the young prince as he exits the Sahara desert. The story's essence is contained in the lines uttered by the fox to the little prince: "One sees clearly only with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye." Other key thematic messages are articulated by the fox, such as: "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed" and "It is the time you have devoted to your rose that makes your rose so important."

The little Prince

Father´s Story by Lionel Dahmer

Lionel Dahmer's memoir is the story of the dark journey of a father who was faced with the grisly reality of one of America's most notorious serial murder, mutilation, rape, necrophilia, and cannibalism cases. Lionel was a father who had to grapple not with losing his son to these unspeakable horrors, but with the fact that his son was the perpetrator. As a father, Lionel was asked if he could forgive his son, but before he could determine that, he had to forgive himself. The book presents Lionel's struggle with guilt, bewilderment, anger, and personal chaos during his son's life and in the aftermath of his arrest.
The memoir stands alone in its straightforward prose, introspection, and complete lack of blame shifting. Lionel provides broads stroke of details of the crimes, focusing more on the individuals than on the headline-grabbing depravity of Jeffrey Dahmer's deviance. Throughout Jeffrey's youth, and during the trial, Lionel grappled with his own responsibility for his son's social maladjustment. He identified with his son's need for control, extreme fear of abandonment, and general solitary nature. Lionel even contrasts Jeffrey's zombie experiments with his own hypnosis-control experiments in childhood. After Jeffrey's arrest, Lionel never wanted him to go free, but he did hope and work for psychiatric treatment for the son he was never able to save. 

Father´s Story

My Guardian angel

I never believed in fairies or angels, or never thought more of them, but somehow I always thought that there must have been some guardian who watched over my life. Would I imagine him looking as a normal person or an angel, I can´t say, but going through certain things in my life made me realize there was and still is some higher presence watching over me. Back in 2002 I´ve read a book about angels, and there was a chapter by which you were supposed to relax and think of your guardian angel´s name. I knew honestly nothing about it and never knew any particular celestial names, so it was a big surprise when a name suddenly popped up in my head and offered itself as if being dictated by someone else. The name Seraphiel run through my mind for few seconds. I tried to remember the incoherent sound of it, the weird combination of letters that I never heard said out loud before. As weird as the name sounded, I didn´t doubt for a split of second that the name existed. I knew then and there, this name was my guardian angel´s name, I was sure nobody has such peculiar name, not a single person in a whole wide world. I was quite pleased with it too, it sounded so noble and exotic even. So there he was, my angel in his shining armour. I imagined him straight away, young and strong, and handsome! Well anyway....to get to the point. I started using this name quite frequently and also as my nickname. It never stroke me odd to doubt its place in the world, in my world. But few years later I browsed through several web sites and had the instant idea to look up Seraphiel on it. Not only did he exist, he was a well recognized angel from Kabala, the old scripts....

Seraphiel (Hebrew שׂרפיאל) is the name of an angel in the apocryphal book of Enoch. Protector of Metatron, Seraphiel holds the highest rank of the Seraphim with the following directly below him, Jehoel. In some texts, he is referred to as the Angel of Silence. Eponymously named as chief of the Seraphim, one of several for whom this office is claimed, Seraphiel is one of eight judge angels and a prince of the Merakabah. In Enoch, Seraphiel is described as an enormous, brilliant angel as tall as the seven heavens with a face like the face of angels and a body like the body of eagles. He is beautiful like lightning and the light of the morning star. As chief of the seraphim, he is committed to their care and teaches them songs to sing for the glorification of God. In magical lore, Seraphiel is one of the rulers of Tuesday and also the planet Mercury. He is invoked from the North.

Seraphiel in three different ways

All I ever wanted you to know

Should I leave you and should I go

when all what´s left are scars that never fade,

the pain never leaves, the hurt neither so

there is too many mistakes we´ve made

I often wonder is this it – the end to it all

it was such a hard fight to get under your skin,

now all I´ve got is empty mind and soul,

through many times of loneliness I´ve been

I´ve lived thousand lives while loving you

the amount of fear I´ve carried in my head

imagining to lose you, not ever having you

was the most difficult of all – constant thread

I love you very much, my dearest boy

that´s all I ever wanted you to know and yet,

I can´t just simply let you quite destroy

all our love and things we´ve left unsaid

As little particle I´ll be present in your soul,

forever unnoticed by you like a quiet thief,

you´ll never understand why I loved you so

try not to grasp it – just believe...

(composed by myself, 6/10/11)

Ireland, land of the children of the Lir

It has been the greatest time to live in Ireland. Time of love, endurance, hardship, beauty, excitement and survival. The art of living must have been invented right there. 
I´ve always had this land of leprechauns and fairies connected just with that, but after having lived there for tenth of the century, I´ve discovered there is much more to it. 
I´ve come to love and adore the old Irish folks whose memory hasn´t failed and who could sit down and talk for hours in their peculiar Irish brogue. Well, such opportunities were pretty rare, but even to taste it, to try it - was fascinating. 
The nature, oh well. The nature was such a powerful recharger. I loved the green scenery evereywhere you looked, the old grey stone houses, the smoke coming from the chimney pots, the large and never ending fields  parted by the stone walls, the white sheep on the pastures and curious cows wondering around. The air was full of warm and moist flavour, eventhough the winds could be strong and the rain used to fall down like hot lava. There was something about the Irish air. It was fresh for sure. But also damp. And when there was a summer, it was never hot enough,the mildness of the climate was omnipresent. The reason to wonder at the beauty were the mulitcoloured rainbows that leant from one side of the island onto the other and often doubled as the rain was everywhere. What surprised me the most was the unusual green palette that Ireland kept showing off over and over through each season. There weren´t just three kinds of green. There were thousands of its shade going from slight greenish tint to a deep dark green, with dozens of midtones. The whole island looked like a giant green lap in which you could just fall into and sleep a billion years. I wasn´t bit surprised the land gave a rise to so many legends and ghost stories, or even the old celtic fairytales that have sprung up out of nowhere. The mists of Eire were quite similar to those of once forgotten Avalon, and who knows if it wasn´t the same place after all. 
I had my beloved pack of swans coming down to the river every day. The swans were said to be the original people of Ireland, called children of Lir, as the legend goes. I always had this story at the back of my mind whenever I went down to feed them. These animals somehow belonged there. Beautiful, gracious and spiritfull, same like I´d imagine old irish tribe before they turned into something else - perhaps the Celtic tiger, whose fame has ended as fast as it started. 


"Out with you upon the wild waves, Children of the King!
Henceforth your cries shall be with the flocks of birds"

Fairytale of a bird

There was a man who never felt important and he craved so much for becoming someone who would at least have some power over others. He believed that this would bring him the strenght and the recognition and that people would now finally see him and love him. 
One day he decided to go into the forest where he found a little chick bird, that just fell out of the nest. It was a beautiful yellow green canary with feathers that still stuck to his tiny body, and he couldn´t fly yet. The man thought to himself: "Well, this little bird knows nothing about this world, I will teach him and he will listen to every one of my words, he will sing the song I will make for him and he will give me pleasure that I need so much".
So he took the small baby bird with him and put him into a cage with food and water. The little bird was very happy to see that someone takes care of him now since he was so lost, he thought that this is his new home. The bird knew already how to sing and he sung very well, but that did not satisfy the man. He wanted him to sing the tunes that he would teach him himself. So the man pressured each day upon the bird the tunes of his own and after a while, the bird forgot how to sing as he used to, because all he remembered had to be forgotten. He even forgot where his real home used to be. The man was everything to him, the only person he knew and wanted to please. 

As the years went on, the little bird turned into a beautiful bright creature with feathers so soft, but he didn´t know about it, because there was nothing or no one to tell him. He sung the songs for his master every day, trying to please his needs, and every day he felt as if nothing ever came back to him for his trying. The man sometimes forgot to feed the bird or to give him water, so he had to stay for days and nights hungry and starved. The man would also spend little time with him, every day less and less, so the little bird had a feeling that the man doesn´t like him anymore. He tried to sing better and louder, he tried to have a sweeter voice, he tried to dance on the porch just to make his owner happy, but the man seemed to care no more. The bird´s feathers started to fall out and lost all their shine. The little bird sat sadly on his porch, thinking of what life could be like outside the cage which he never left.
Once, the man put the cage on the balcony and the bird could see the outside world after a long time. There were other birds sitting freely on the tree branches, singing away happily. There were trees and green fields and mountains, but all way too far from the bird. The only thing that separated him from the life outside was the cage. An invisible wall and a difference between life of happinness and life of sorrow. 

The bird started to chit chat with other birdies who saw how their poor fellow is starved and they were telling him things like : "hey yo brother, you should leave the cage when you get a chance. The man who owns you and says he loves you, is your tormentor!" But the little bird didn´t believe them. "He is not my tormentor, he saved my life when I was young. He helped me and taught me how to sing. He fed me with food and water". But the other birds looked at him rolling their eyes and objected : "but you don´t belong into the cage. That´s not your nature. You were born free and this man took away your freedom. You should live like us who are free and can fly and chase the sky!" and as they said, they spread their wings and took off into the air full of freshness and circled above the town, joyfully playing games with each other. The little bird sat on his porch and thought for a while about what they just told him. He didn´t know if they talked the truth, but the idea of being able to fly freely made him shiver with the excitement.
                                     
Months have passed and the man started to avoid the little bird and he was coming late home and then he kept telling him that it´s the bird´s fault that he is not happy. He put all the blame on that little bird in its cage, made him feel sorry for things he´s never done, so the bird truly started to think he´s surely done them. 
One day the man asked him : "I saw you chatting to the other birds, what have they told you?" And because the bird was happy that his owner is suddenly interested in him again, he splurted out : "we talked a lot and they told me that I belong to the nature, that I should be set free", but the man arose and looked at him angrily. "Why are you talking to such ugly, dirty creatures? They are no good for you. You will stay where you are and be happy for all I´ve done for you, ungrateful thing!"
And with that, he stormed out of the room and didn´t return for days. The bird was afraid to even look up, so much was he ashamed for making his master angry. And also, everytime he did make him upset, the man would stop feeding the bird, leaving him all by himself. But what confused the little bird were days, when the man came back and acted as if nothing happened, and sat down next to cage and asked the bird to sing for him nicely, and kept telling him how much he´s missed him and how much he cares for him. So the bird´s little heart always plummeted to the stars and started to beat faster with excitement and grow fonder. He always thought to himself...."well maybe the birds aren´t telling me the truth after all. This man cares for me!" and this thought gave him a warm feeling that substitued for all the pain he´s ever felt.

In the meantime, man´s moods kept changing like a weather. One day he was nice to his bird, another day he would shout and roar at him for not singing his song well enough. He made him shiver like a leaf in the wind, fearing to say anything at all. 
The bird started to be exhausted by these sudden changes, he could no longer predict if he is going to be treated nicely or badly, he could no longer say if he is doing things out of fear or love, he could no longer see who he was and where he belonged to. And eventhough he knew he´s got the wings like other birds, he felt powerless to fly. 
One day, the bird started telling the man how unjust it seems that he is treated with so little love, that he isn´t even allowed to fly or talk to his little friends. He even got so angry, that the man had to back up a bit. The man said to him, trying to calm him down : "Ok, sure I never prevented you from flying around or talking to your bird friends, you know you can do all that", and as he said it, he set the bird free. The bird was speechless. He had his freedom and all it took was to speak his mind. Surely his master couldn´t be a bad man if he agreed to let him go and come back as he pleased. He must have finally understood his needs. The bird was chirping away joyfully with other friends, sitting on the bench, but then his mates noticed something peculiar. 
"Look overthere! Down in the street. Isn´t that your master?", said one of them. There he really was, lurking behind the bushes and watching the birds from bellow. 
"How dares he?", said the other bird. 
The little bird was thinking differently. "Maybe he is just worried about where I am, or he didn´t mean to look like he is watching me, it all could be just a coincidence", but other birds disagreed. 
"No no, mate, he is certainly following you, trying to find out what you´re doing."
And with this, the little bird returned home. At first he was happy to share his new experiences with excitement, as his master sat near him and listened attentively, seemingly interested. After all that what was said, the man stood up, grabed the bird by its wing and threw him against the ground, hurting his head. 
"There you go you ungrateful bird! You won´t be telling about us to anyone no more. You miserable little thing. I own you and you are mine, and therefore you have to listen to what I say is right for you", but the bird seemed now very upset and said to him crying : "I want to go home! Just let me go". The man turned at him with evil eye and then started to cry himself. "But you know I can´t, we´ve known each other since you were a little bird, you remember how I saved you and cared for you, and taught you to sing for me. We have so much together and I do love you". But the bird didn´t believe him anymore. 
So the man broke his wing as well. It was excruciating pain, but the bird was brave enough no to show it. 

Days went on and things were looking bright again, but something inside the little bird´s heart has changed. He seemed more withdrawn now, quieter and compliant. He sat on his porch, dreaming of his freedom, of his nest that once used to be his only home when he was little, he dreamt of finding again his Mummy that lost him when he fell out of the nest. He dreamt of his bird friends behind the closed windows, how they frolic with each other and fly around in circles, he dreamt of a day he could set his wings free and spread them to fly and fly. But even when his cage was open and he could fly away, he never dared to do so, as he was scared he will be found and hurt, or he thought maybe his master would be really sad if there was no one to sing for him again. So he always stayed, hoping that his master will come and be happy one day. He hoped that his singing could cure him out of his terrible disease. He hoped that if he didn´t see his bird friends anymore, things would get better. He thought that it might be his fault anyway, and that his master could be right as he always said. he definitely loved him, didn´t he? At least that´s what the man kept saying all the time. 
But the more the little bird hoped for a change, the more it was obvious that nothing will ever change. The man was often angry, spitefull and blamed all his misfortunes on other people or on his bird, and birdie just sat and took it all, trying to remember the good times they had together, no matter how scarce. It all seemed like a distant memory, the good times they once have had, they already begun to fade and get obscured with darkness of the presence. But even that little comfort could have warmed the little bird´s heart that kept beating quietly under his bright coloured chest. 
The bird retreated from his other bird friends and barely ever saw them again, just in case his master would see them together. He didn´t want them to be shooed off, nor did he craved for the punishment. So he rather stayed in his cell most of the time, dreaming of a happy life. But then, from all that stress brought upon him, the birdie started to lose his feathers in such amounts and so fast, that he looked like a naked chicken soon. He felt embarrassed so much and his skin aked him so badly, that he never went outside his house anymore. He cried every now and then, but there was no help for him nor a cure. Even the best pet doctors didn´t know what the trouble could be. 
The man kept coming home drunk and made things even worse when shouting at him, depriving him of so much needed peace. The world started to shatter all around him. Birdie had no more friends, they haven´t seen him in many months now, so it appeared they all either gave up on him or most of them migrated to warmer country. Birdie was all alone. But wait. There was one little bird whom he sometimes talked to through the window pane. They talked in secret about things that worried our little bird. They were really sad things that made the other bird often listen in utter horror. "How could he do such things to you, birdie, if he said he loved you?", the bird asked him. 
Birdie thought for a while and quickly realized how true it was. "Well of course not", he replied meekly and looked at his friend. 
"But don´t worry", said the bird, "I can help you to leave this cage and your cruel master. You just have to have the will to do it yourself", he ended the sentence. 
The birdie thought something like that impossible and absolutely insane. He thought million times of leaving the cage, in his dreams. But never before did he dare to think that to escape the cage is something achievable. He was stunned and shocked, but when his friend left, he had to think of his suggestion. The only trouble was, the bird was a last of his good friends who really cared about him, and he was to migrate to warm country in few days, never seeing him again. Birdie was thinking. "I should take this chance and go, once my friend is gone, i will never get to find out what´s life like beyond these walls, it certainly will be my death" and with these thoughts, he started to plan his big escape. 
Although he lost his vitality, strenght and feathers, as well as his good spirit and fondness for singing, his heart beat faster the more he thought of his escape. His master never noticed any change, he was too sure that birdie will never leave him, and he was too obsessed with his own problems. Sometimes he would come home so drunk he would only fall into his bed and didn´t know the rest of the world existed. The plans of little birdie never crossed his mind. But eventhough birdie did want to go, he was too much sad for his master and felt guilty that he will abandon him completely, he thought things could have been better only if his master cared for him more, or liked him more, and if he wouldn´t break his wings everytime he felt like it. 
The grass was green and flowers bloomed all around, but birdie didn´t see much of them, as his soul was so small with fear. "Will I go or will I stick it?", he argued with himself. 
Finally, one day, the man went mad at him for not behaving the way he was expected to, so he took a big bottle and swung it over little bird´s head, short of hitting him. The birdie escaped back into his cage, tightly holding onto the railing and porch, trembling with fear all over. 
"Open the cage you little prat. I´m gonna get you and you will see what I´m capable of!" But the birdie held on to the cage and never allowed his master to reach him. He felt as this was the final drop. At that stage he knew, no man can treat him like this. That night made him to decide to leave the comfort of his nest and to fight for way out to freedom. 
It took him only few days to gather the courage. He didn´t know how to leave, but he told his friend behind the window. "Listen, I want to do what we were talking about. Will you help me out?"
There was a silence on the other side of the window. After a while, a tiny voice replied in amazement. 
"Of course my boy, I will stand by you no matter what"
And so,one beautiful day when all the flowers were in full bloom and the wind sent the boats sailing on the wide seas, the birdie packed up one seed of grain under his wing, took a last gulp of a water to strenghten himself and opened up the cage with all force. The window was half opened, so he didn´t wait for one second and squeezed himself through a narrow gap, just to see the daylight so strikingly beautiful he nearly fainted. The light was too bright for his eyes and wind too sharp for his naked skin, but he didn´t feel any of it. All he felt was a great gratitude when his heart started to beat wildly in his chest. His little fellow bird waited outside on the roof of the opposite house, cheering up joyfully. As soon as they sat next to each other, birdie hugged him with all emotion. But there was no time to waste, they both had to rush as fast they could, before the master came back and saw them. They flew a long long way, into the hidden forest behind the town. The birdie couldn´t catch his breath, he didn´t fly for so many years, but it felt like heaven. he wanted to cry with happinness, it was such a good feeling at last. 

When few days passed, the man kept looking for his bird everywhere seething through his gritted teeth, swearing and cursing him, destroying everything that came into his path. But because the two birds hid so well, he never found them. 
And so, the birdie finally got a chance to see what´s beyond the horizon when he flew back home after so many lonely years. He said goodbye to his friend as they parted in tears, but he knew his freedom was awaiting him. And his Mummy and Daddy? They were happy to have him back alive and safe. The little bird made it back home to where he came from, and realized the real value of once lost and found freedom. The fate of the man after the birdie left him wasn´t good. He drunk a lot more, lost all his money and friends and bitterly regretted he didn´t kill the bird in the first place, but that was because he was a man who didn´t care about any living creature, a man who hated himself so much that he needed someone else to suffer instead of him. But that was over. No more bird singing to his tunes, no more, no more, no more. 
And what happened to our little bird? He started to recall his long lost voice in which he used to sing his songs, he found out that his feathers grew back neatly, and he learnt that other birds loved him no matter what he sings. And so he lived happily for many years and sang the songs from his heart to those who would listen. 

As it all begun

I begun listening to Queen when I was twelve years old. The voice of Freddie Mercury was not only awe inspiring and enchanting but hugely addictive.  The fate decided that Queen will become my most favourite band ever. And it has been that way ever since. I loved Freddie extremely much, not just as a singer but also as a human being. I admired him for his spirit and courage and free mind. I loved his laughter, his childish  sense of humour and style. He definitely carried his heart on sleeve and to me,he was a very admirable person, whom not many people have come to known. When I was in my teens and times seemed difficult to get through on my own, I realized I can talk to him as one would talk to a friend. He turned into my imaginary mate. To make things more magic, I made a secret wish. I asked Freddie one thing - just one - to make me meet all people he loved the most. Guess what. That wish kept coming through in years to come and I thought I might share this story with you, because it´s as extraordinary as you might think it sounds like....
Me and my best friend Paul shared our love for Queen´s music and everything that was to do with them. We went to welcome Roger Taylor in 1994 in Prague, when he came to collect his EMI awards. Eventhough it was a really short meeting, I´ve seen a glimpse of him. At last! Paul stayed and followed Roger to his hotel and waited all night in the freezing cold just to be able to take a picture with him. He succeeded, needed to say.

In 1998 there was this big European tour of Brian May. He came to perform in Prague and play some well known tunes usually sung by Freddie. It was very extraordinary experience, especially when seeing him face to face after the show where only a group of chosen fans was allowed. He posed for a photo and shook our hands, one by one. Have to say, a very nice gentleman...

At that time I haven´t really considered these experiences to be anyhow unusual, not more than any other ones. I´ve simply seen Roger Taylor and Brian May. Anyone could be that lucky. 
The turn in events came the following year. I started to work for FC Queen and as my nature dictated, I wanted to write about Freddie - not anyone else - so I was assigned the role. I also started to work on my book that I called "Little Mercurologist", which was clumsy collection of facts and analyses of his character done through various methods (astrology, numerelogy etc.) Therefore, when I run out of inspiration, I decided to make a small journey to Munich, where Freddie was said to lead quite wild and joyfull life. I have read in some biographies, that Freddie´s good friend and past lover Barbara Valentin, has lived in Munich. I wasn´t hoping to see her, as there were no directions to her whereabouts, however, I intended to stroll around the city and visit all those "dangerous" gay clubs he used to frequent. I wasn´t alone, to say this much. My best friend Paul was there too. 

We´ve been to many places and many clubs, but in New York night club, this young German fellow danced his way through to us. His name was David, and he seemed to be really keen on striking the conversation. After what he learnt the purpose of our journey, he wrote me the address of a night club, in which I could meet Barbara herself. To cut the story short, we´ve met her, seen her, and talked to her and the experience of that night went far beyond my wildest imagination. I seem to have lost the photo of the three of us taken by her friend, however, I still have the post card that she took out from her car and signed. Barbara has died on 22nd February, 2002, only 3 years after this encounter. She is said to have died of a stroke. Barbara was a wonderful, funny and beautiful woman.                      

So that was the story so far. Meeting Barbara was a nice, pleasurable experience, but somehow even that didn´t make me think more of it.
I took it only as a game of a coincidence. Wouldn´t most of us? 

The year 2000 brought along big changes in my life. I´ve moved to Ireland, where I´ve worked and met my now ex-boyfriend. It was one day that I mentioned my love for Queen to my co-worker, Alison. Just for the craic, as Irish would say. After what I mentioned Freddie´s name, it seemed as if the whole avalanche of events started off by itself. First Alison. She told me that she knows Eddie, Jim Hutton´s brother. For those of you these names don´t ring a bell, Jim has been Freddie´s lover and "husband" for past twelve years or so. They shared their lives together, and Jim has even written a book called "Me and Mercury", that became very popular due to its honest contents. This still wouldn´t be that surprising to many, but when my boyfriend told me that his friend´s girlfriend is going out with Jim´s niece, I couldn´t think this was just another coincidence. Out of all countries in the world, out of all cities in the whole Ireland, out of all towns that Ireland has, I was to be in the same place as Jim Hutton. That couldn´t be called pure chance. Or was it? 

And then I was to meet Jim in person. My boyfriend and his friend agreed to take him out on a Queen tribute night and I was to come along. What an exciting night! I sat right next to him and chatted with him all evening. At one stage, when we were involved in conversation and I sort of run out of questions, I asked him how is Phoebe (another close friend of Freddie´s). Jim told me that Phoebe just moved to Prague where he opened his new store. What a surprise to hear that Phoebe lives in the city from which I come from. Anyway, that night me and Jim had the greatest time ever.

And so, another year went by. I came back to Prague and sort of fell into the old routine. I still remembered what Jim has told me about Phoebe, but there was no way I could ever figure out where he could be, because Prague is one huge city. However... my Mother came home one day, holding this magazine I´ve never seen before and said that there is this article about Phoebe. She bought it just "by accident". It wasn´t an ordinary article. This one contained the exact address of Phoebe´s shop. No way would I let this chance slip away. 

It was January 2002 when I decided to visit Phoebe in his store. I did find him indeed, and I also had a chance to tell him all what has happened, how did I see Barbara and met Jim, and it all seemed so surreal. I can´t say why, but it almost felt as if someone up there was planning it all along. I remember Phoebe smiling at me, when he was signing up a dedication into his autobiography "An intimate memoir by the man who knew him best". When I was leaving the shop, his dedication read like this:

You found me!! 

So there was the end to meeting all of Freddie´s past lovers and friends, I thought. The journey finished, there was nowehere else to go.

I was happy, content and pleased with myself. I felt as if close to heaven, it couldn´t get any better. But then, in 2004, I decided for my fate to take a different turn. 

I went back to Ireland, this time for much longer. Another 6 long years. And within those years, many things happened. I didn´t go back because of Jim, don´t take me wrong. I went back because of my then boyfriend, but it happened that me and Jim still kept seeing each other and meeting at different ocassions from time to time. For example, he was once in my house, where we watched all Freddie´s videos and discussed them, or talked about his disease. We also went dancing one night in a dance club. We talked. We laughed. We exchanged text messages several times, when I needed some advice on how to grow plants. He was happy go lucky sort of guy who liked to keep circle of his closest friends and it was very difficult to reach him otherwise, but I was happy he accepted me as one of them. 6 years have passed when I got bad news from my boyfriend. He said he talked to Jim, who was diagnosed with cancer. To cut it short, I´ve seen him only once after this ordeal. 

He was connected to oxygen tubes and looked pretty ill. I knew then - that this is the last time I see him, but didn´t  dare to come close and say goodbye. I didn´t dare to speak. So, just shortly before Christmas, Jim has died. I went to his month´s mass in Church, to give him my goodbye, and went to his grave to leave some flowers. It was incredibly sad time. That´s when I believed the circle closed completely. With Barbara and Jim gone, there wasn´t much left, only memories. I went back home to Prague, accepting the life as it went along, knowing, that I´ll never see my dear friends again...

 The Carlow newspaper had it all over the front page.

Jim Hutton was gone for good.

I´m here in Prague for last year and half, sorting through memories and past events. I thought this chapter that had Freddie written all over it has finished. Two people gone, excluding Freddie himself. I thought there could be no more of such wonderful chances. No more surprises from above. No more shocking news and tilting events. Not ever again. I even missed Freddie´s anniversary gathering in Montreux, because of my work. I felt rather sad, but I kept thinking that without Jim and Barbara it wouldn´t be such a good event anyway. And then, out of a sudden,there is this invitation on our Queen FC page. Not only I´m still in the course for being present at Freddie´s anniversary right here in Prague. There will be Phoebe, who helps to organize the whole event, and also - there will be Kashmira Cooke, Freddie´s own sister! Again, I have to ask myself the same question - out of all places in the world, out of all corners of the earth, out of all cities....why did she choose Prague?! Can anyone explain me why? But maybe I´ll leave this controversial question to someone who understands the laws of the Universe or has some other crazy theory. I just stick to my own belief that Freddie has been somewhere up there, making all my wishes come true....

Kashmira, Freddie´s sister, who´s gonna be present in Prague on the 20th anniversary of her brother's death. 

I hope I will be able to talk to her eye to eye and give her a little present...

Tonight, the 19^th November 2011 was the most marked event I have been waiting for impatiently for several months. Freddie Mercury´s  sister Kashmira accepted the invitation by our Queen Fan Club through a meditated help of Freddie´s personal assistant Peter Freestone, who actually has been residing in Czech Republic for last 10 years.

The event took place in Mlejn Club, quite common ground to all smaller bands from Prague. Karel Lehner, my long time friend, and a chairman of Prague Tornado Queen FC, has set his mind on bringing forth the best show ever. I met him shortly before the whole evening. There were tenths of people waiting outside the club, queuing up and most of them were trying to get tickets as the show was utterly sold out. As one entered, there was a half naked hostess with plastic cup of champagne, there was also Queen shop where you could buy loads of different gifts, the AIDS charity collection and also a little bistro where you could quench your thirst. That all, followed by merry buzz and chit chat of all happily tuned people. At the back was the entrance into the concert hall, where many folks have gathered to watch the several documentaries dedicated to Queen and Freddie.

After 7 pm the event commenced by Karel coming on stage, moderating the whole show as it slowly unfolded. He informed us that due to the security measures, Kashmira didn´t wish to give any public signing or photographing. She is said to go to such events very seldom, this was to be her third public appearance. The first one was in London on Queen official gathering (where fans threw themselves at her), Montreux was the second. What a wonderful thing to know that she chose to go to Prague, out of all other cities in the world, where are undoutedly millions of fans who would do anything to see her. All this was due to the unmistakable presence of Peter Freestone, Phoebe – as I like to call him – without whom there would be no Kashmira. I also have to mention that it wasn´t only 20 years since Freddie left us, but it was almost exactly that lenght of time since I´ve known him. I was only 12 years when I discovered him. It was also 15 years of FC Queen Tornado existence. So many anniversaries around that it seemed like a very crucial day in many of its aspects.

There was the short introduction of the facts and then we only gave a huge applaus when Phoebe entered the stage, taking a seat and mike in order to pass the test of „questions“, which he passed pretty well. He talked most of the time in Czech, which was rather funny because his pronounciation and several grammar mistakes made it sound lot more real and honest. He talked about being nearly half Czech, the proud citizen of our country, talking of how people are nice to him in place where he lives, that his neighbours bring him eggs and stuff, always being polite and friendly. He said he´s never had so many good friends, not even when living in England. He talked about Czech food, his favourite one being duck with dumplings and red cabbage. He talked of the beautiful Prague´s architecture and said, that Freddie would have definitely loved it here. He mentioned that one of his most favourite movies is Slunce seno jahody (Sun hay and strawberries) by Zdeněk Troška, and admitted to contemplating to translate it for wider British audience. Among his favourite Czech musicians were Lucie Bílá, Karel Gott, Petr Kotvald and Kamil Střihavka. He smiled all the time, dimples in his cheeks, his big brown eyes warmly shining at each glance, porched on the chair, as if there was no other place he´d rather be at. Karel also suggested he could be candidating for a post of Czech Prime Minister of Culture, that he´d be good at it, which made Phoebe laugh. 

And there came Kashmira. She walked out of the dark backstage only to re-appear into the light like an angel. Small, tender and visibly petite lady in her fourties (although she is 60), wearing tight trousers, high boots and leather jacket – she looked astonishingly beautiful. Her dark hair fell to her shoulders, and she kept smiling so tenderly one would melt. There was definitely something that slightly resembled the essence of her brother – be it in her smile, underneath the shine of her eyes or simple movements. They were siblings bound by blood, that´s for certain. I could feel she was little bit nervous and tried to fight off her shyness, which she also admitted to. But other than that she put on an impression of genuine, loving and intelligent woman, that she was. Karel was giving her various questions with help of the translator, which could get bit rough at times (due to slower communication on the part of translator), however, Kashmira answered as best as she could. Most of us knew by now, that herself and Freddie haven´t been seeing much of each other when they were growing up, him living in boarding house in Panchgani for seven years. Therefore there was way too little to talk about. She only admitted to remember that at the later stage in life, Freddie would often try to surprise her by calling her or coming down to see her and flooding her with beautiful presents of all sorts. That´s what she liked to remember, as that´s what she loved. She also said that she went to most of his concerts („for free of course!“, she said laughing), and she followed Queen´s music. When being asked how would she use the opportunity should Freddie come back for one day, she said that one thing she regrets is the fact that Freddie never saw her kids growing up. She said she´d wish to bring Freddie back at least for one day for him to be able to spend some time with them. When asked if her children would listen to their Uncle´s music, she said that her son would, but her daughter has rather weird taste in music, which was followed by a mighty laughter from us fans. When being asked what she liked and disliked about Freddie, she said what she disliked about him was his bad habit of jumping into other people´s conversation. Phoebe intervened at that point to add, that Freddie always believed that whatever others had to say was less important than what „he“ was thinking. Again, this was met with uproar and laughter, as we all could imagine what Freddie was like. Kash then said, that what she liked about her brother most, was his ability to make her laugh, and crack jokes. Being asked if she liked Prague, she said she loved it and that the first thing she´d done was bit of shopping. She said that next time she comes she´ll have to buy better shoes for our cobbled streets, so Phoebe jumped in by saying that once he´s the Czech Prime Minister, he will make sure the streets have better pavements :) 

When being asked if Freddie would love Prague, she said that by knowing him, he would definitely love the architecture as he was very much artistic person. Karel then asked her what does she think herself and Freddie had most in common, she answered that it would probably have to be "perfection. We both were perfectionists", to which answer Phoebe only nodded as in agreement. Karel then gave Phoebe a framed official Membership of FC Tornado Queen, and to Kashmira he gave a Czech Crystal. One of the more funny moments were the questions laid by the audience itself. One man wanted to direct his question on Kashmira calling her "Shakira", and another one asked Phoebe if he plans on being burried in Prague!!!! I wanted to die instead of Phoebe, to be honest - as I didn´t know how will he take such a morbid question, but to my surprise, Phoebe didn´t even wink :) He said he will be burried here! We all gave a thundering apllause when they were leaving. After they departed, I was looking for a way to get to see her, as I had been promised by Karel that I will be able to meet her eye to eye. Karel disappeared and there was no way I could talk to him. That´s why I decided to take an action and looked for the side entrance meant only for staff. The doors was opened, so I entered and quietly sneaked into the backstage area where were organisers and other people. (sorry folks, I just had to) Nobody questioned me what am I doing there, so I dared even further. One girl was there too, wanting to give her a present (she probably got the same idea), so we both waited for Karel, who was running around. One of the bodyguards didn´t let us in any closer, so it was just about waiting. Kashmira and her husband, together with Phoebe came out after a while, to be photographed by an official photographer, their picture to be taken with the band Queenie who were to play afterwards. And then my moment came. Of course I asked Phoebe to be photographed with him, it´s been 10 years since meeting him in his store where he´d sign me his book with dedication. I regretted ever since that I never thought of a picture, so now I could re-do my mistake from the past. He was very willing and nice, being used to have his photographs taken 24 hours a day with fans from all over the world. And then I went over to Kashmira. I have to admit that I was quite nervous (same as I was nervous when meeting Barbara Valentin, Jim Hutton, Brian May, Roger Taylor, Peter Freestone...well...pretty much everyone!!!!). I came forward and I THINK I shook her hand and told her how much I´m happy to finally see her and I gave her my present (the golden box with angel bell and poem by Ch.H. Andersen). She smiled at me broadly, her dark eyes flickering in the bright light. I tried to keep the image of her face in my mind, even for a short moment. After all that I kept thinking to myself, this is the only chance you´ve got to see her and once this moment is gone you´ll regret you never asked her for a photo, same as you had with Phoebe. So when it almost seemed as if she was about to leave, I asked her with pleading eyes to have photo with her, and she agreed!!! I told her that it´s my dream come true, and she smiled. So there was I standing next to Kashmira, nervous as hell, my left arm putting over her back (she seemed like a little child, so vulnerable and tiny comparing to me), but then of course I realized I shouldn´t be putting my arms around her as if she was my little sister, so I took it off immediately. Me, herself and her husband posed for the photo, taken by one of the FC guards. The first photo of me and her alone didn´t come out well, Mr Photographer didn´t check that it´s blurred, so the only one I´ve got left is the one of three of us. Anyway, it doesn´t really matter, I achieved what I came for. The night was amazing. I walked off to the front where the concert was slowly commencing, to join the crowds and sing along the songs that united us all, and have been uniting us for last 20 years and more. It seemed as if Freddie hasn´t been gone at all, it seemed as if he was still present with us, all around us, in all of us, and through each of his songs. Even Kashmira said something about feeling as if he was still around. And as I later on looked on the photos I´ve taken, there were big orbits floating around her – that made me believe Freddie is indeed among us.  

Phoebe and I after 10 years....

Kasmira and her husband Roger Cooke, and me........

Phoebe being interviewed on stage...

Kash looking amazing

the orbs above her head were telling me something...

Kash with the band

Kash holding my present (golden box)

and the final saying goodbye to our guests....

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