Meeting Phoebe and saying goodbye to Jim 2002-2010

.....And so, another year went by. I came back to Prague and sort of fell into the old routine. I still remembered what Jim has told me about Phoebe, but there was no way I could ever figure out where he could be, because Prague is one huge city. However... my Mother came home one day, holding this magazine I´ve never seen before and said that there is this article about Phoebe. She bought it just "by accident". It wasn´t an ordinary article. This one contained the exact address of Phoebe´s shop. No way would I let this chance slip away. 

It was January 2002 when I decided to visit Phoebe in his store. I did find him indeed, and I also had a chance to tell him all what has happened, how did I see Barbara and met Jim, and it all seemed so surreal. I can´t say why, but it almost felt as if someone up there was planning it all along.

I remember Phoebe smiling at me, when he was signing up a dedication into his autobiography "An intimate memoir by the man who knew him best". When I was leaving the shop, his dedication read like this:

He was literally blown right into my way

And then I returned back to Ireland in 2004. 

I had the opportunity to welcome Jim to my own home in Carlow sometime in 2006. He was his friend's surprise. When the door opened up, I didn´t  see him at first. 

Then his head popped out from the side of the door and with a laugh he emerged a bit later. He hugged me like we hadn´t seen each other for million years. What I felt at that moment was indescripable. My dear Jim back in my life and in my own house! 

We all sat in the living room, Jim settled down on the sofa, I was sitting on the ground and absorbed the precious moments because I knew time spent with him was only borrowed time. Then we watched Queen videos and talked about Freddie as if he were in the next room. It was so surreal. Me and Jim agreed that our favorite video was Scandal, and he just added that Freddie didn´t like it very much because he couldn´t make any creative input in it, although he loved the song. 

Then we talked about his illness, about him taking up to 40 pills a day to sustain his health and he also explained the difference between AIDS and HIV, as many people still didn´t know. We have talked so much and - above all - we laughed all night, almost at everything. It was so easy to succumb to his funny personality once again and  to his heartfelt laughter. He made jokes about fancying my ex-boyfriend, whom he lied on top of on the sofa. Long time ago, I´ve  sent him a letter explaining to him how Freddie has impacted my life. But I've forgotten  I´ve ever written it and now I was faced with the horror that I actually have sent it. I hoped he has forgotten about it, but when Jim and I met in the corridor of our house, I couldn´t but apologize to him for that letter, and for being so daring. To my surprise, he looked at me softly with his tired eyes and assured me that my letter was absolutely fascinating. Then we were interrupted by his friend, who was just leaving a toilet and the conversation was cut short at that point. Unfortunatelly I would never have the chance to find out what was the next thing he was about to say, because I noticed he wanted to continue, if he weren´t interrupted. 

When we were saying goodbye at the door, he treated me as an old friend. He simply kissed me on the lips, which utterly shocked me and made me laugh at the same time. 

He invited us back to his house to have a little party, but my ex-boyfriend was not in the perfect mood and so we politely declined, which I will forever regret! 

About a year after that I bumped into Jim several times in the city where we both lived, or we exchanged text messages whenever I needed to advise what room flowers would be best for our new house. Sometimes I learnt about how he´s doing through my ex-boyfriend, who used to hang out with him and drink few pints in a night bar. Once my ex confessed how Jim told him that I was a great person and he should be happy to have me. They must have been talking about me!!!!

Then I met Jim one night in the nightclub, where he was with his friends. He spent most of his time sitting in the lounge smoking a cigarette, having fun with some girls. Wherever he was, you heard his laughter. That night my ex-boyfriend arranged for Jim and me to have a dance together.

Jim was just dancing on the dancefloor with some older woman. I remember he had his jumper tied around his waist. I just got onto the dancefloor, he looked at me all serious and pulled me close to him. It was some tediously slow song that I can´t even remember, I just  know that we were staggering from side to side like two handiccaped penguins and that made me laugh hysterically.

He was such a clown!  Now, however, I consider this moment as one of the most precious memories of him. It was my night.

Back in 2009, I have learned that Jim was diagnosed with cancer. My ex-boyfriend told me how concerned Jim was when informing him. At that time I didn´t know how serious the situation was and I hoped Jim will get better in no time. I believed the doctors would somehow help him out of it. I saw him a little later at work when he came to our restaurant for breakfast.

I almost served him as another customer, but when I realized it was him, I pulled myself back into the kitchen and let the other girls serve him. He never noticed. I was in such state of shock. I didn´t know what to do, how to act and what to say. He was so thin, just skin and bone. He had a small tube leading from his nose to the oxygen device he carried in his backpack and a small canvas hat on his head. I couldn´t believe this was Jim, whom I have remembered being so full of life and joy only half a year ago. I wanted to cry like never before. I also felt embarassed by my own cowardly reaction. I wished more than anything in my life to hug him and say I loved him. I wanted to wish him a happy Christmas. But I was scared of my own tears, which would not help him in his situation. 

I wrote him a message on the phone, but he didn´t respond. And then I got the terrible news. Jim died and somehow I also missed his funeral. I took a first taxi and went at least to his months Mass and visited his grave, bringing him daffodils and little white lantern with candle. It was so hard for me. His relatives stood above his grave. I said my prayers in a minute of silence. The air didn´t move and the moon was full in the night sky. It was dark and cold all around but I didn´t care.  

I wanted to see him laugh and mess around like he used to. It was as if another star had disappeared and fell to the earth. If only life could last forever. 

It´s been nine years since then, but I still immensely miss him and I will never stop. Thank you Jim from the bottom of my heart, that you once accepted me for who I am and allowed me to spend those precious moments in your company. You were dear friend and a great guy with so much to give to this world. And I remember, once you have promised we will meet again, and you knew we will. You knew it all along, you little devil :) 

newspaper clipping from the saddest day of my life

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Magical Munich - report from 2000

Freddie was a faithful guide to us on July 15th, 2000 as I went with my friend Paul to Munich, both for holiday and also to visit all the places Freddie liked to visit. Throughout my stay, I took detailed records and photographed, so that everyone who would be interested in seeing it, knew exactly what to do. 

Immediately after we arrived to Munich, we went to Geothestrasse, where we reserved a hotel.
We crossed the railway bridge, got into the train and reached the Marienplatz metro station. From there it only took two stations to Geothestrasse. Mariandl hotel was closeby. As soon as we unpacked, we went for a walk. We took the main street to Sonnenstrasse, towards Karlsplatz. 
As it started to rain and we were tired and hungry, we decided to go home. 

Mariandl Hotel in Munich

I felt like in quite an alien country where Freddie once lived and where he spent fantastic days of his life, and that atmosphere was beginning to catch up with me slowly. 

The next day we finally went on to explore gay clubs. We went through the whole Sonnenstrasse from top to bottom and asked people where to find popular gay bar called Frisco. One guy from the passage gave us a magazine with a map of gay clubs in Munich and said Frisco had been shut down long time ago and turned into a heterosexual bar. So our journey took us further into the Bermuda Triangle. It was not far, but it took a while to find. Eventually, we just found ourselves in front of the Padres Bar, the former Frisco club. At one stage, I heard Freddie singing very loud from the streets. I run along the path following this mysterious sound, as if lost in a dream. Poor Paul was running after me, probably thinking I got entirely mad. There was this Gay and Lesbian public parade in one of the squares, so we joyfully joined the event. It was marvellous to see so many colourful, friendly and loving people all at once. I was exhillarated to be in Freddie´s friendly zone and felt so lucky that we had a chance to experience this and mingle with these fantastic people.

Then we found the Ochsen Gartens Club. It was such a claustrophobically narrow space. Immediately, all the eyes belonging to male inhabitants glanced at me in unison, as if I was from a different planet. I asked a junior bartender who was trying to imitate Freddie in his appearance, whether a female can enter. He said no women allowed, as if that wasn´t obvious! And so I gave over the task to do the dirty job to my friend Paul. He got the instructions as to what to do and go back to do the survey of this seedy underground, while I waited on the corner of the street. After 45 minutes of dwindling in the dark street, Paul sprang out from the bar with the exactly these words: "No one in my life will ever get me there again! This place is full of gays! I talked to some guy and he told me he had seen Freddie here many times. Then I asked his friend to take our picture and that was a fatal mistake. His boyfriend roared at me something in German, and pointed at the door. That was the end of the show" 

Ochsen Gartens these days

We then headed off the main street into a more quiet Munich night. We acted silly all the way home, laughing and singing and showing freely our love for Munich. We both fully understood why Freddie was so fond of this city. Everywhere there was peace, no restrictions and no recriminations, no matter what we did. Whole Munich was just ours, and that was an incredibly beautiful discovery.

On 17th July a Beer festival took place in the city. We saw the changing of the apostles and also visited the Music World, where they had a lot of unknown LP´s with Queen music. We came to Bermuda and continued on the Mullerstrasse to Rumfordstrasse. Then we finally discovered Old Mrs Henderson's, and we immediately recognized the sidewalk on which Freddie's video shoots were recorder. At night we went to the original Frisco, which is called Padres.

Although it was probably rebuilt 7 years ago (as the bartender told us), there was still some original magical energy. I was hoping to visit Mrs Hendersons bar, where Freddie was celebrating his 39th birthday and shooting Livin' On My Own, but it was closed, so we decided to taste New York instead. 

in Old Mrs Henderson´s bar, where Freddie celebrated wildly his birthday

For a change, I could enter without problems, which made me very happy. I could go to the club where Freddie fell in love with Barbara! According to legend, Valentine sat on the toilet seat, and Mercury sat down to her feet with a glass of his favorite vodka in his hands. There they talked about their lives as an old friends. She remembered, "It was a complete coincidence. We both appeared in the same bar, that's all. He was there with a huge crowd of people and so was I. 
I got accidentally burned by one guy´s cigarette and I was screaming at him. Then he apologized and asked if I wanted to be introduced to his friend - and that was Freddie. We said hi and that was it. And we almost didn´t shut up for next 24 hours. We spent all time chatting in the toilet, because there was nice and quiet. He just seemed amazing. " When they stopped, they found they were locked inside. It was 4 o´clock when they were saved by a cleaner. 

The place looked amazing. It was an underground space with one bigger ground floor bar and other four smaller ones. There was a deep blue light everywhere. The miniature flashes flickered, the floor with the pattern of a checkerboard shone in the darkness. Most of all I was fascinated by the light ball under the mixing cabin that looked like a sun. There was a strong, strangely wild and narcotic atmosphere in the air, as if Freddie was there everywhere.
I noticed one guy to my right and we started to talk. His name was David and he was very curious as to why we came to Munich. I said we just wanted to visit the places where Mercury used to go.
He was both surprised and excited. He told me that Freddie was often here, but he had never seen him personally. He told me about Barbara and said that she was getting very old. He also spilled the beans, that she frequents the Nil bar, where we will definitely find her, but he warned us that she doesn´t look very well.
One of his friends told us that he had seen Freddie quite often. He always said he was friendly to everyone, he talked to everyone and danced, there was a cocaine sniffing at times, and that could get wild enough. We stayed with Paul until the closing hours, when the DJ put on New York New York by Frank Sinatra. 

New York bar recently

Freddie and Barbara became best friends and lovers

David wrote on the back of this ticket where to find Barbara Valentine

On July 18th at 7pm we slowly set off to the Nil. The bar is located directly on Hansach Strasse opposite the obscene Teddy Bar and Freddie´s and Barbara´s mutual appartment. We got there by tram and then walked back a bit. It was a nice bar with an outdoor garden, all lit by mini light bulbs. Paul asked the waiter if Barbara was inside and he told him she was right there. So we walked in and walked around her, trying to act normally. We wanted to sit as close as possible so we climbed up the bar stools on her right hand side. She was dressed like the owner of a merry-go-round, hair like after an explosion. She was pale in her face and completely destroyed by alcohol. We later caught Barbara out in front of the bar as she boarded the car. Paul asked her for the autograph. At first I was embarrassed and I thought I would not be able to ask for a signature, but then she pulled some of her photos from her wallet all by herself and signed them for us. She even asked which photo of hers we prefer, as she had two varieties. We asked her to have a picture taken with us. With a lot of effort and clumsily, she got up from the car, stepped up next to Paul and took me beside her, letting me hug her around her waist. She put her arms around my shoulder and her friend took a memorable picture. Then she said goodbye and shook our hands. 

Nil bar, where we met Barbara in a male company

signed photograph that we chose that night. She wrote "with love, Barbara"

with lovely Barbara in front of Nil bar

On July 19th, we went to where our legs brought us. We reached the Nil once again. We didn´t  know if Barbara would be present once more, but she was. The bar cracked in the hinges and so we sat close to the toilets by the exit. She walked past us when she went to ladies.
She looked absently at me and didn´t recognize us, but I was not surprised considering the previous night, when she was barely standing on her feet. We didn´t  want to chase her this time, so we drove to New York to find David, but he wasn´t there. When we asked about him at the bar, nobody seemed to know any David. He showed up like a ghost and then disappeared like one. I felt Freddie´s presence everywhere. This night, they were making a beautiful laser show. We left again with the final sounds of Sinatra. 

On July 20th we went to the Turkish quarter, walked up to Marienplatz and walked down the main street to a luxurious neighborhood. Munich is a bit divided into a particular class neighbourhoods. For example, we lived in the Bohemian quarter full of gays and lesbians. Ordinary people lived at the opposite end of the city and the center was for the rich. A lot later, there was a stop in New York, where we left a message to David that we thank him for everything. Then we finally greeted Ochsen, Nil and Henderson's. I didn´t want to go home, I would love to live here forever! However, the most difficult thing was to leave those many friendly souls that we have met during this time. This Munich was kind of magic, arranged by nobody else but Freddie.