Seraphiel´s blog: PAST LIFE

Hypnosis from 20.11. 1998 at 18.30

IN 1998, WHEN I WAS 19, I VISITED MY MUM´S LONG TIME FRIEND MÍLA, WHO WAS PRACTICING HYPNOSIS AND WAS ABLE TO BRING YOU TO PAST LIVES. I WAS CURIOUS AND INTERESTED TO TRY IT OUT, ALTHOUGH I DIDN´T EXPECT MUCH. I WAS WORRIED I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO VISUALIZE IT. THIS SESSION TOOK PLACE IN HER LITTLE PRAGUE APPARTMENT, WHERE SHE PREPARED ME MENTALLY AND EXPLAINED HOW IT ALL WORKS. SHE KEPT WRITING AS I WAS SPEAKING, WHILE PERFORMING HYPNOSIS. SHE THEN COUNTED DOWN. I HAD MY EYES CLOSED, AND LISTENED TO HER VOICE AS SHE LED ME IN. WHAT I WROTE HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF MY OWN WORDS, ONLY ADAPTED TO ENGLISH AND SLIGHTY PUT IN A DIFFERENT ORDER, TO MAKE BETTER SENSE OF EVENTS. MÍLA NEVER ASKED ME DETAILS ABOUT THE CENTURY, APPEARANCES, NAMES OR EQUIPMENT, BUT I DID REMEMBER ALL DETAILS VIVIDLY UNTIL TODAY. THERE WERE MANY THINGS I JUST LEFT OUT IN MY SPEECH JUST BECAUSE I WAS NOT ASKED BY MÍLA, BUT IF ANYONE ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE THEM, I WOULD BE MORE THAN ABLE. THIS WHOLE TIME I ALWAYS BELIEVED THIS CASTLE THAT I USED TO CALL "PALACE" WAS SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN ENGLAND. TWO YEARS LATER MY LIFE CHANGED, AS I TRAVELLED ABROAD. FIRST I TRIED TO GET TO ENGLAND, BUT IN THE END, MY MUM SHOWED ME AN AVDERTISMENT WHERE THEY WERE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE TO WORK IN IRELAND, SO I GRABBED AT THE CHANCE. LITTLE DID I KNOW, THAT I WILL TRAVEL TO COUNTRY, WHERE I HAVE LIVED FOUR CENTURIES AGO...

childhood : I SEE MYSELF AS A LITTLE GIRL PLAYING ON THE GROUNDFLOOR QUITE ALONE, SITTING BY A HUGE STONE FIREPLACE. I AM ABOUT 5 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE LIGHT BROWN CURLY HAIR. I AM WEARING BLACK LITTLE DRESS AND BLACK HAT. I AM HOLDING A DOLL IN MY HAND. I AM HAPPY AND NOTHING BOTHERS ME, HAVING MY OWN WORLD.

next pivotal point: I AM IN THE KITCHEN WITH TWO FEMALE COOKS. THERE IS A MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF ME, WHO KEEPS TELLING ME SOMETHING. I HAVE THE HIGHEST RESPECT FOR HIM. I AM AROUND 10 YEARS OF AGE. I HAVE DONE SOMETHING BAD AND I AM BEING GIVEN OUT FOR IT. NOBODY STANDS UP FOR ME AND I FEEL AGGRIEVED THAT THEY ARE TREATING ME LIKE THAT.

Next: I FEEL BEING PUSHED AWAY AND I KEEP SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE THAT I COULD NORMALLY TALK TO. NOBODY SHOWS ME ANY LOVE, EVERYONE JUST GIVES ME ADVICES HOW TO BEHAVE BUT I REJECT TO LISTEN. I MISS MY MOTHER.

next : THERE IS A NEW FEMALE SERVANT IN MY AGE, WE IMMEDIATELY CONNECT. WE BECOME BEST OF FRIENDS AND I ACCEPT HER AS MY SISTER. THE OTHERS DON´T LIKE THAT, BUT I DO THINGS MY WAY.

next: WE ARE REVOLTING OUT OF SPITE. I AM TAKING MY SERVANT WITH ME TO THE DINNER, WHICH SHOULDN´T BE DONE DUE TO ETIQUETTE. THEY ARE THROWING US AWAY FROM TABLE. I DO NOT GET ALONG TOO MUCH WITH MY FATHER, I AM SLIGHTY AFRAID OF HIM. WHENEVER I ASK HIM ABOUT MY MOTHER, HE TURNS ANGRY AND CHANGES SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION.

next : FATHER IS TRYING TO BUY ME WITH EXPENSIVE PRESENTS, BUT I REMIND HIM THAT HE WILL NOT BUY MY LOVE. HE SAYS HE WOULD BRING ME BLUE FROM HEAVEN. I USUALLY GO FOR WALK INTO A SIDE GARDEN NEXT TO OUR PALACE. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO GO FURTHER, OUTSIDE THE PERIMETERS OF THE GARDEN. I LONG TO SEE THE OCEAN, BUT I AM ONLY ALLOWED TO SEE IT THROUGH THE THICK HEDGES. ONE DAY I SIT IN THE GARDEN WITH MY SERVANT AND WE CONCOT A PLAN TO ESCAPE THE CASTLE WALLS. MY SERVANT IS SCARED OF CONSEQUENCES, BUT I GRAB HOLD OF HER HAND AND WHEN NOBODY IS WATCHING, WE RUN AROUND THE CASTLE AND THEN DOWN THE GRASSY HILL. (I see myself running down the green slopes of hill and I am watching this scene from an angle where I see the whole castle on top of the rocks, as if from a bird´s view)

WE ARE PASSING A LITTLE HUT ON THE BEACH, I LOOK OUT AT THE SEA AS IF SEARCHING FOR ALL THE ANSWERS THERE. AN OLD MAN IS APROACHING US. HE LOOKS HAGGARD AND CARRIES A BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER. HE ASKS US MANY QUESTIONS AND THEN HE INVITES US INSIDE HIS LITTLE HUT, WHILE WE FOLLOW HIM IN. HE TAKES GOOD CARE OF US, SERVES US A DINNER. WE ARE TELLING HIM WE COME FROM "ABOVE". HE LAUGHS AND SAYS THAT THEY WILL MOST PROBABLY FIND US HERE. WE ASK HIM WHERE COULD WE HIDE AND HE TELLS US HE COULD BRING US TO A LITTLE ISLAND NEARBY TOMORROW, IF WE WANTED. IN THE EVENING HE TELLS US STORIES OF FISHERMEN. HE ALSO TALKS OF A GIANT BOAT FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRY, THAT COMES TO THE HARBOUR ONCE IN A WHILE. IT MESMERIZES ME AND I ASK HIM, WHEN IS THE BOAT COMING....

FEW DAYS LATER, THE BOAT ARRIVES. WE ARE AFRAID TO COME OUT FROM THE LITTLE HUT, SO WE ONLY WATCH IT FROM THE WINDOWS. THE BOAT IS A WOODEN GALLEON, WITH WHITE SAILS. WORKERS UNLOAD WOODEN BOXES ON THE SHORE AND I NOTICE AN OLDER MAN IN BLACK SUIT AND BLACK HAT, WHO CONTROLS ALL THE COMOTION. THERE ARE YOUNG BOYS ON THE BOAT. WE ARE VERY CURIOUS AND TEMPTED TO WALK OUTSIDE THE HUT. SOMEONE KNOCKS ON OUR WINDOW IN THE EVENING. IT IS THE MAN IN BLACK SUIT HIMSELF. HE WANTS TO WALK INSIDE AND WHEN HE DOES, THE OLD FISHERMAN WELCOMES HIM AS IF THEY WERE GOOD FRIENDS. WE WATCH THEM BOTH CURIOUSLY, WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT IS GOING ON. THE MAN IN BLACK TALKS ABOUT SOME PROBLEMS ON THE SEA AND THAT THEY HAVE LOST PART OF THE LOAD DUE TO WEATHER CONDITIONS. THEN THE MAN ASKS THE FISHERMAN ABOUT US AND WHO WE ARE. WE DO NOT WANT TO BE EXPOSED, SO WE MAKE UP SOME SILLY STORY, AVOIDING TO SAY THE TRUTH. HE WANTS TO TAKES US ON THE BOAT AND SHOW US AROUND.

I WALK ON THE DECK OF THE BOAT, AS HE LEADS US FURTHER AND INTRODUCES US TO THE SAILORS. THEN HE WANTS TO BRING US DOWN UNDER THE DECK. THERE IS A GROUP OF MEN DOWN THERE. MAN IN BLACK INTRODUCES ME TO YOUNG HANDSOME MAN, WHO LOOKS PERHAPS LIKE A SOLDIER. I LIKE HIM INSTANTLY. I KEEP TURNING AROUND JUST TO SEE HIM AGAIN, WHILE HE KEEPS LOOKING AT ME. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE BOAT AND I AM AFRAID I WILL NOT EVER SEE HIM AGAIN. THEY LEAD US AWAY AND THE BOAT LEAVES SHORTLY AFTER THAT. WE RETURN TO CASTLE 3 DAYS LATER, BOTH ENVIGORATED BY NEW AND EXCITING EXPERIENCES. MY FATHER THEN DECIDES TO SEPARATE MY SERVANT FROM ME AND ANGRILY SENDS HER AWAY, WHICH I CANNOT BEAR. I BEGIN TO REVOLT AND TELL MY FATHER THAT I WILL NOT LET ANYONE TAKE AWAY MY LAST JOY AND THAT SHE HAS TO STAY WITH ME. IN THE END, I WIN THE ARGUMENT. MY FATHER STARTS TO VALUE ME MORE AFTER THIS, I CAN FEEL DIFFERENT ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME. HE GIVES ME MORE FREEDOM AND HE ALSO STARTS TALKING ABOUT MY LATE MOTHER AND HOW IT TURNED HIM SOUR AGAINST THE WHOLE WORLD, WHEN HE LOST HER. I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. I DO LOVE HIM.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY. I AM 19 YEARS OLD. MY FATHER ASKS ME WHAT WOULD I WANT FOR A PRESENT. WE ARE UPSTAIRS IN HIS DARK ROOM. I DO RECOLLECT THE BOAT AND TELL HIM I WISH IT COULD ARRIVE ONCE MORE. HE ASKS ME WHY. I TELL HIM, THE REASON BEING IS, IT CARRIES A TREASURE. HE LAUGHS AND HE PROMISES, HE SHALL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. NOTHING HAPPENS ALL YEAR. I STILL KEEP BEGGING HIM TO MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE. AFTER THAT I FORGET ABOUT MY WISH, STILL BELIEVING, THAT MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL SEE IT AGAIN. I OFTEN WALK ALONE DOWN THE BEACH TO KNEEL DOWN IN THE SOFT SAND AND JUST REMINISCE ABOUT THE PAST. THERE ARE MASQUERADE BALLS TAKING PLACE IN OUR PALACE.

ONE DAY MY FATHER COMES TO ME DURING MY BIRTHDAY AND LEADS ME BY MY HAND. HE IS QUIET AND STILL. HE SITS ME INTO CHAIR NEXT TO HIM IN HIS SALOON ROOM UPSTAIRS. I START GUESSING AND ASKING QUESTIONS, BUT HE ONLY SMILES AND SAYS NOTHING. THEN I SUDDENLY REALIZE, JUMP UP FROM CHAIR AND HUG HIM "WHEN IS IT COMING, WHEN IS IT COMING?", I SCREAM OUT WITH JOY. "IT IS ON ITS WAY, AS WE SPEAK, MY DARLING", HE ANSWERS.

*WE ARE RUSHING. MY SERVANT IS HELPING ME INTO MY DRESS AND I EVEN PUT SOME MASCARA ON. THE BOAT IS COMING AGAIN. I DO NOT KNOW IF HE WILL BE ON IT, OR WHETHER I RECOGNIZE HIM STILL. I WALK DOWN THE BEACH. I AM BY THE BOAT, LOOKING OUT FOR THOSE WHO WALK OUT. I SEE THE MAN IN BLACK. WE DO RECOGNIZE EACH OTHER AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS. I DO REMEMBER THOSE FEELINGS THAT I HAD BACK THEN, THEY COME RUSHING BACK, AS I CONTINUE TO OBSERVE THE BOAT AND ALL PEOPLE AROUND IT. FINALLY, WHEN I SEE THE SOLDIER WALKING OUT AND HE TURNS TO FACE ME, THERE IS STILL THE SAME SPARK BETWEEN US, AS STRONG AS EVER BEFORE. THE MOMENT IS WITHOUT ANY TALK, BUT STRONGER THAN ANY WORDS. I RUSH HOME ALL EXCITED. IT IS LIKE A DREAM. I WANT TO THANK MY FATHER AND WHEN I GET TO CASTLE, HE TELLS ME THAT THERE IS THE WELCOMING PARTY HELD THAT NIGHT.

THERE IS A BALL THAT EVENING, THE MUSIC IS PLAYING AND THERE ARE LOT OF GUESTS, FILLING THE ROOM. I SEE MYSELF STANDING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROOM WITH HUGE GLASSED WINDOWS, THAT LEAD TOWARDS THE SEAVIEW. THIS ROOM IS OUR BEST ROOM, DECORATED RICHLY WITH ORNAMENTAL CEILINGS, BEAUTIFUL FURNITURE AND STONE FLOORS. THEN MY SOLDIER TURNS UP AND HE SEEMS TO BE VERY ESTEEMED. THEY INTRODUCE US PROPERLY FOR THE FIRST TIME. MY FATHER TELLS HIM THAT I AM THE BEST DAUGHTER ONE COULD EVER WISH FOR. HE TELLS HIM WHAT I HAD WISHED FOR MY BIRTHDAY, BUT I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO HEAR IT. HE SAYS "You know what she wished for me to give her? To have your boat come. And she said it is because there is a treasure hidden on it. Is that the truth?" (MY FATHER DID NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING). THE SOLDIER LOOKS UP AT ME, BUT HE UNDERSTANDS. I AM ASHAMED, BUT HE JOINS ME IN CONVERSATION, THEN KEEPS FOLLOWING ME ON EVERY STEP. I AM DELIGHTED TO HAVE HIM BY MY SIDE. I KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT NOTHING HAS CHANGED FROM THE TIME I HAVE SEEN HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME. IT IS A THRILLING FEELING, I KNOW THAT I AM MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. HE IS VERY KIND AND GENTLE TO ME AND LISTENS TO MY STORIES. I CANNOT GET MY EYES OFF HIM. WE DISCUSS OUR PASTS, THEN HE TELLS ME ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME AND THAT HE BECAME A CAPTAIN WHO RUNS HIS FLEET OF SOLDIERS, WHICH IS A GREAT HONOR GIVEN TO HIM BY QUEEN HERSELF. HE TELLS ME ABOUT BATTLES WITH ENEMIES THAT HE WENT INTO AND I KEEP ADMIRING HIS BRAVERY AND STRENGHT. AFTER WHILE I ALSO NOTICE HIS SENSITIVE SIDE. HE TELLS ME HOW MUCH HE ABHORES BLOOD AND WARS AND THAT HE NEVER WANTED TO DO THIS.

WE SPEND NEXT FEW EVENINGS TOGETHER, WHEN WE MEET UP AND TALK. I WANT TO FIND OUT MORE ABOUT HIM. HE IS STILL VERY SECRETIVE AND MYSTERIOUS. HE CONFIDES TO ME THAT HE NEVER LOVED A WOMAN YET. THAT HE THOUGHT THERE EXISTS NO ONE WHO WOULD GIVE HIM WHAT HE NEEDS. THAT HE NEVER BEFRIENDED WOMEN, BEING AFRAID OF THEM, BUT HE ADMITS THAT HE IS STARTING TO GET TO KNOW SOMETHING QUITE NEW TO HIM. THAT I AM THE FIRST ONE HE IS CONFESSING TO IN THIS MANNER. THAT SOMETHING DRAWS HIM TOWARD ME, BUT HE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS.

THEN I START SEEING HIM LESS AND LESS. I SUSPECT I MIGHT HAVE TOLD HIM SOMETHING HE DID NOT LIKE, OR THAT HE LOST AN INTEREST. I KEEP ASKING FOR HIM, LOOKING FOR HIM, BUT NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE WENT. I AM AFRAID THAT EVERYTHING IS GONE. THEN THERE IS A DANCE BALL.

I SEE HIM IN THE DANCE BALL TOGETHER WITH SOME WOMAN, WHICH I HATE FROM THE START. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT TO ME. I WATCH THEM DANCE TOGETHER. I AM CONFUSED AS HE ACTS COLDLY TOWARDS ME NOW. I WANT TO GO TO TALK TO HIM EVENTHOUGH I AM SO HURT BY HIS LACK OF INTEREST. I KNOW HE FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT ME BUT IS SCARED TO SHOW IT, SO I LET IT BE.

I AM TORMENTED FOR THE FOLLOWING FEW NIGHTS, AS TIME IS PASSING BY AND HE IS NOT COMING. HE ACTS LIKE A MACHO IN FRONT OF OTHERS. THE DAY BEFORE THEIR DEPARTURE, I DECIDE I WILL NOT SEEK HIM OUT ANYMORE. I AM BY MYSELF, IN MY LITTLE ROOM. IT IS A SMALL CUBICLE ROOM WITH WOODEN PANELLED WALLS AND TINY WINDOW OVERLOOKING THE OCEAN. I STAY HIDDEN HERE ALL DAY, READING MY BOOK. THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR LATE IN THE EVENING. IT IS HIM. HE STANDS THERE IN HIS UNIFORM HE ARRIVED IN. HIS FACE IS UNAPROCHABLE AND I CAN´T READ HIM AT FIRST GLANCE. HE SAYS HE IS JUST COMING TO SAY GOODBYE AND THAT WE WON´T SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. I JUST NOD AND WISH HIM GOOD JOURNEY.....HE STILL STANDS BY MY SIDE AND I AM WAITING FOR HIS NEXT WORDS. HE TALKS A LOT, ABOUT WHEN THE BOATS GOES, WHERE THEY ARE ABOUT TO GO, HE TALKS AND TALKS....THEN HE STOPS IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCE, LOOKS AT ME AND SPILLS IT ALL OUT. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME DEEPLY BUT CANNOT STAY, BECAUSE HE DOESN´T KNOW HOW TO GIVE LOVE AND HE DOES NOT DESERVE ME. I DON´T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR HOW TO REACT, BUT I CRY (I do cry in real time), I TURN MY BACK TO HIM AND TEARS POUR DOWN MY CHEEKS. I WANT TO TELL HIM TO STAY, BUT I DON´T. INSTEAD I SAY, HE CANNOT DESERVE ME AND THAT I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP. I CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE STANDS THERE FOR A WHILE, THEN WALKS AWAY. DESPARATION OVECOMES ME, I WANT SO MUCH TO RUN AFTER HIM, BUT MY PRIDE WON´T LET ME. I STILL REPEAT TO MYSELF IT SHALL PASS AND I WILL BE ALRIGHT WITHOUT HIM, AND HE TOO, WILL BE FINE.

I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND DON´T BELIEVE THAT WHAT I HAD SAID LAST NIGHT WOULD DETER HIM AWAY. I STILL HOPE HE WILL STAY BECAUSE OF ME. I RUN TO GET MY SERVANT. I ASK HER IF ANYONE FROM THEIR PARTY STAYED BEHIND. SHE KNOWS WHAT I AM ASKING ABOUT. SHE SAYS HE LEFT.

I GET NEWS LATER THAT THEIR BOAT CRASHED AGAINST THE ROCKS AND NOBODY KNOWS IF ANYONE SURVIVED. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE FOR ME IF HE STAYED ALIVE OR DIED, AS I HAVE LOST HIM FOR GOOD THE MINUTE I LET HIM GO. I THINK OF HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AS OF A SYMBOL OF LIGHT AND PATH.

going back to adult life:

I SEE MYSELF INSIDE OUR CASTLE, SITTING ON A ROYAL CHAIR. IT IS A CHAIR WITH EMBLEMS AND FAMILY CREST. I FEEL BETRAYED. EVERYTHING IS OVER, WHAT HAS BEEN WILL NEVER BE AGAIN. I AM ALONE AND I FEEL LIKE IT IS ALL MY FAULT. WHY HAS IT HAPPENED? DID I DESERVE IT SOMEHOW? LIFE HAS NO MEANING FOR ME ANYMORE. I LOST SOMEONE AND I DON´T UNDERSTAND WHY HE´S LEFT ME.

day before:

I SEE THE HALL WITH PANNELED CEILINGS. I DO NOT SEE ANYONE ELSE, I JUST APPREHEND THAT SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD BE COMING. THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE ENTERING THE ROOM. I LOOK TOWARDS THE DOOR AND FEEL FEAR. I STEP IN ONE PLACE NERVOUSLY, EVERYONE ASKS ME WHAT HAS HAPPENED. I TELL THEM EVERYTHING IS FINE. I WAIT BY THE THRONE, MY BACK TOWARDS THE GROUP OF PEOPLE, I STARE INTO EMPTY SPACE IN FRONT OF ME. I HAVE FEELING SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED. THE MUSIC IN THE BALLROOM IS PLAYING STILL, PEOPLE ARE DANCING, BUT I SIT ON THE THRONE. I BOW MY HEAD, AS IF SENSING WHAT HAPPENED, I BECOME DESPARATE AND BREAK INTO TEARS. I WANT TO ESCAPE THIS PLACE. I WALK OUT OF THE PALACE INTO THE DARKNESS. NOBODY HAS NOTICED MY DISAPEARANCE. I AM OVERWHELMED BY SORROW AND SADNESS. I WALK SLOWLY, THERE IS A SILENCE AROUND ME NOW. I REACH THE SEAVIEW AND I STAND ON THE EDGE OF CLIFF, WATCHING THE SEA IN THE DISTANCE. THE WIND IS VERY STRONG, I AM WRAPPED UP IN A BLANKET. I STILL DON´T UNDERSTAND IT. NOBODY WAS ABLE TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO HIM AND WHY HE NEVER RETURNED, WHILE I WAS WAITING. I HAVE A FOREBODING OF A DISASTER WHICH TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME. I DECIDE TO SUDDENLY RETURN TO THE CASTLE. AS I WALK, THE MOON SHINES ON MY PATH. I FEEL LITTLE BIT CALMER. I TRY NOT TO THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE.

going back to the event of the boat arrival once again:

* THERE IS A CELEBRATION GOING ON, THE BOAT HAS ARRIVED WITH THE LOAD. I PREPARE MYSELF FOR THIS SPECIAL OCASSION SINCE MORNING, TO LOOK MY BEST. I AM AROUND 25 YEARS OLD. I AM PUTTING ON MY NEW DRESS. THERE IS A BIG ROUND MIRROR IN THE HALL AND I SEE MYSELF WITH MY SERVANT IN IT. WE LAUGH TOGETHER AT EVERYTHING. I AM HAPPY, WHILE SHE ADJUSTS MY CLOTHES. I TRY MY NEW SHOES ON, I WANT TO IMPRESS. I RUN OUTSIDE INTO THE GARDENS AND THEN RUN DOWN TO THE BEACH. I SEE THE BOAT ALREADY LANDED, I TRY TO GET THERE AS FAST AS I CAN. THERE IS A LOT OF BUSTLE AS I SEEK SOMEONE SPECIFIC. THE MEN UNLOAD THE BOXES AND CARRY AWAY THE GOODS. I AM BY THE BOAT NOW. I WAIT FOR WHOEVER APPEARS FIRST. I SEE THE FAT OLDER MAN WITH BLACK BOWLER HAT. EVERYONE GREETS HIM WITH LOUD APPLAUSE. HE HAS A BLACK WALKING STICK. HE LOOKS LIKE A PROUD MAN, AS HE WALKS DOWN THE GANGWAY. A GROUP OF ABOUT FOUR YOUNGER SOLDIERS APPEARS ON THE BOAT, THEY ALL HAVE SAME UNIFORMS. THEY LAUGH AT SOMETHING, THEN GET DOWN THE GANGWAY, BUT I STILL WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE. SUDDENLY A MAN APPEARS ON THE DECK, HE LOOKS LIKE A GENERAL. HE WEARS A RED COAT WITH BUTTONSS, HAS A TALL RED HAT AND CARRIES A SABER BEHIND HIS BELT. I LOOK INTO HIS FACE AS HE SEEMS TO BE SCANNING FOR FAMILIAR FACES. HE LOOKS UNACCESSIBLE. I LAUGH TO MYSELF AND WAIT IF HE IS GOING TO NOTICE ME. EVERYONE SHOUTS AT HIM TO GET DOWN THE GANGWAY ALREADY. I WANT TO REMAIN INVISIBLE, SO I STAY SILENT. THERE IS LOT OF NOISE AROUND ME. AS HE WALKS DOWN THE GANGWAY, THE MAN IN BLACK HUGS HIM AND PUTS HIS HAND AROUND HIS SHOULDER. HE IS SHOWING HIM THE WHITE CLIFFS BEHIND MY BACK AND SAYS THAT THIS IS THE COUNTRY WHERE HE SHOULD STAY. THERE IS NO BETTER LAND THAN THIS. I STAY PUT BEHIND HIS BACK SO HE DOESN´T SEE ME. THE MAN IN BLACK IS EXPLAINING SOMETHING TO HIM. THE CAPTAIN IS EAGER TO LEAVE, THEN HE LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES ME. I FEEL A SPARK IN HIS EYES. MY KNEES ARE ALMOST GIVING WAY. I AM SHY AND I AM TRYING TO DISAPPEAR. I CAN EXPECT HE WILL EVENTUALLY LOOK ME OUT.

THERE IS A WELCOME CELEBRATION IN OUR PALACE THAT NIGHT, WHICH MY FATHER HOLDS. I WISH HE COULD WELCOME ALL THOSE SOLDIERS SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT DEEP INSIDE I FEEL I WANT TO SEE ONE OF THEM AGAIN. I AM IN MY ROOM ALL DAY, LYING AROUND. I AM LIKE IN A DREAM. I STILL SEE HIM IN FRONT OF MY EYES. THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE AND MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN FROM THE NOBILITY SHOULD ARRIVE. I FIND THEIR COMPANY BORNING. I FEEL LIKE I DON´T BELONG. MY FATHER IS TRYING TO PERSUADE ME TO COME. I AM PUTTING ON MY BLACK DRESS TO SHOCK OTHERS. BLACK COLOUR INCITES. MY SERVANT IS LAUGHING AT ME, WHILE I AM TRYING TO LOOK SERIOUS. I JUST WANT TO LOOK DIFFERENT FROM OTHERS AND I DO INTEND TO SHOCK THEM. WE WALK TOGETHER THROUGH THE CORRIDOR WITH MIRRORS, I PUT ON A FACE OF DEFIANCE. EVERYONE LOOKS AT ME OUTRAGED. I CONITNUE WALKING. THE MUSIC IS PLAYING AND THE BALLROOM IS CROWDED. I WISH THE EVENING HAS ENDED. MY SERVANT LEADS ME THROUGH THE CROWD, THEN I LOOK BACK AND KEEP SEARCHING FOR HIS FACE. THE ORCHESTRA PLAYS SOME MUSIC AND IMPORTANT DELEGATION ENTERS THE MAIN HALL. FIRST ONE TO ENTER IS A MAN IN BLACK, NEXT TO HIM THE CAPTAIN. EVERYONE BOWS IN FRONT OF THEM, BUT I STAND MOTIONLESS. EVERYONE IS CLASPING THEIR HANDS. THE ORCHESTRA STARTS TO PLAY A DIFFERENT TUNE. THE CAPTAIN SMILES AT EVERYONE. I STAND IN THE CORNER AND THINK OF HOW TO GET TO HIM. MAN IN BLACK INTRODUCES THE MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE TO THE CAPTAIN. I AM WALKING OUT OF MY HIDING PLACE AND BREAK MY WAY THROUGH THE CROWDS TOWARDS THEM. EVERYONE´S EYES LAY ON ME....HE IS WATCHING ME NOW. HE DID RECOGNIZE ME BUT PRETENDS HE IS NOT TAKEN BY SURPRISE. I OFFER HIM MY HAND AND ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO FOLLOW ME TO A DIFFERENT PLACE, WHERE WOULD BE MORE FUN. HE SMILES, TURNS AT THE MAN IN BLACK WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISSAPROVEMENT. THEN HE TAKES MY HAND ANYWAY AND WALKS ALONG WITH ME.

HE ASKS ME HOW DID I MANAGE TO SAY THIS IN FRONT OF SO MANY PEOPLE, WHAT HAS LED ME TO IT. I ASK HIM WHAT HAS LED HIM TO COME THIS DISTANCE TO VISIT US. AS WE WALK AWAY, HE ASKS ME WHERE DO I TAKE HIM AND I ANSWER I DO NOT KNOW YET. WE REACH THE BALCONY, WHERE WE STAND AND WATCH THE SEA. IT IS DARK, COLD NIGHT OUT. WE BEGIN TO TELL EACH OTHER ABOUT OURSELVES. I AM INTERESTED FROM WHERE DID HE ARRIVE. I LAUGH OVER HIS STORIES FROM THE SEA. I FEEL SO HAPPY IN HIS PRESENCE AND I CRY WITH LAUGHTER FEW TIMES. HE ASKS ME A LOT OF QUESTIONS BUT DOES NOT WANT TO SHARE MUCH ABOUT HIMSELF. THEN HE SUGGESTS WE COULD VISIT HIS FRIENDS, OTHER SOLDIERS. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THEM, AS THEY SEEM TO BE DEGENERATE, BUT I FOLLOW HIM ANYWAY.

WE WALK INTO THE GUEST HOUSE DORMITORIES. HIS FRIENDS ARE SITTING AT THE BIG WOODEN TABLE AND PLAY CARDS. I STAND IN THE DOORWAY FOR A MINUTE, JUST AS HE TELLS ME NOT TO BE SCARED AND JOIN THEM, ASSURING ME THAT THEY WILL NOT HARM ME. THEY LOOK AT ME, THEN INVITE ME TO SIT NEXT TO THEM. HE SITS NEXT TO ME AND HE QUIETS THE SOLDIERS DOWN, REMINDING THEM THEY ARE NOT ON THE BOAT BUT IN THE PRESENCE OF A LADY. THEY LISTEN TO HIM IN UNISON AND CONTINUE PLAYING CARDS. I TALK TO SOME MAN NEXT TO ME. HE EXPLAINS TO ME THEY HAD QUITE A DIFFICULTY TO REACH OUR SHORE. HE PRAISES THEIR CAPTAIN, EXPLAINING, THAT IF IT WEREN´T FOR HIM, THEY WOULD HAVE SHIPWRECKED IN THE STORM. I AM LISTENING, WHILE THE CAPTAIN IS LOST IN THOUGHTS. HIS EYES ARE GLISTENING. I ASK MY NEIGHBOUR TO TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED TO CAPTAIN. HE THEN WHISPERS TO ME, THAT HE HAS GONE THROUGH SOMETHING TERRIBLE LATELY. I THEN TRY TO DISPERSE HIM BY ASKING SOME QUESTION. I SUDDENLY GET HIS ATTENTION AS HE LAUGHS. AFTER A WHILE HE STANDS UP FROM THE TABLE. HE CHANGES HIS BEHAVIOUR ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE SEEMS TO BE SCARED OF SOMETHING. HE WANTS TO LEAD ME AWAY, WHILE OTHERS ASK HIM WHAT HAPPENED.

HE TURNS COARSE AS HE LEADS ME BACK INTO THE BALROOM. IN FRONT OF THE ROOM, HE LETS GO OFF MY HAND, THEN ENTERS ALONE, WALKING AWAY FROM ME. I AM LEFT STANDING THERE ALL BY MYSELF. LOT OF PEOPLE SURROUND HIM, INCLUDING MANY WOMEN. HE IS VERY CHARMING AS HE FLIRTS AND JOKES WITH OTHERS. I FEEL AS IF SCOLDED BY HOT WATER. HIS CHANGE OF BEHAVIOUR IS BEYOND MY UNDERSTANDING. THERE IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN HIS PRESENCE NOW, WHO GRABS HIM BY ARM AND PRESSES HER BODY ONTO HIM. A MAN IN BLACK NOW SPEAKS TO THEM. THE CAPTAIN IGNORES ME AND DOES NOT EVEN AS MUCH AS LOOK MY WAY. HE SEEMS TO BE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THAT WOMAN, WHO IS VERY FRIVOLOUS. THEY GO DANCE TOGETHER, WHILE HE GIVES ME A LOOK. HE KNOWS THAT I HAVE BEEN WATCHING HIM FROM DISTANCE. HE GIVES ME A SMILE. I DON´T KNOW WHAT HIS INTENTIONS ARE. I TURN AROUND AND WALK AWAY. I KEEP THINKING OF THE LAST LOOK IN HIS EYES. IT SEEMED HE WANTED TO TELL ME SOMETHING, BUT DIDN´T KNOW HOW TO. I FEEL DESPARATE AS I LAY IN BED THAT EVENING, TRYING TO SLEEP, HOPING I WILL FORGET. I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP, NOT SURE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

MORNING - IT IS BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE. I GET UP, LOOKING OUT FROM THE WINDOW. I WALK TO THE KITCHEN AT THE FAR END OF THE CASTLE. THERE ARE SOLDIERS SITTING BY THE LONG TABLE. THERE IS A LIGHT COMING THROUGH THE WINDOW, LIGHTING UP THE WHOLE ROOM. THERE ARE FRYING PANS HANGING FROM THE WALLS AND BIG FIREPLACE ON THE WALL. THE CAPTAIN SITS BY THE TABLE TOO, NEXT TO THE WOMAN FROM LAST NIGHT. I AM AFRAID TO ENTER THE ROOM, BUT THEY HAVE NOTICED ME. I AM TRYING TO SMILE AND NOT LET MY FEELINGS BE KNOWN. THEY INVITE ME TO SIT IN THE HEAD OF THE TABLE. I CAN SEE THE CAPTAIN CLEARLY. HE IS LOST IN HIS THOUGHTS, NOT TALKING TO ANYONE. EVERYTIME HE LOOKS AT ME, I HAVE A FEELING HE WANTS TO TELL ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT. I TRY TO BE LIGHTHEARTED ABOUT IT.

I am being sent to the end of the event:

FROM HIS ACTIONS, I RECOGNIZE HE WANTS TO APPROACH ME BUT NOT IN FRONT OF OTHERS. HE MEETS ME THEN ONLY FOR A MOMENT. I WISH I COULD BE WITH HIM MUCH LONGER. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF SOON WITH THEIR BOAT.

IT IS THE LAST DAY OF ME SEEING HIM. HE IS COMING TO ME AND STARTS TO CONFESS. HE BREAKS DOWN IN FRONT OF ME AND STARTS TO CRY. HE SAYS HE MUST LEAVE AND THAT WE WILL NOT SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. HE SAYS IT WAS ALL JUST A GAME AND GAME HAS ENDED. HE SAYS HE IS LEAVING WITH DIFFICULTY AND THAT HE HAS FALLEN FOR ME. I SUDDENLY FORGIVE HIM EVERYTHING. WHILE HE SEEMS SAD, I SEE IT AS A BEGINNING. I HOPE HE WILL NOT LEAVE. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT DAY, THINKING, HE WILL STAY.

WHEN THE MORNING COMES, I PUT ON MY CLOTHES AND DASH TO SEE MY SERVANT, QUESTIONING HER ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS. SHE LOOKS AT ME SADLY AND WHISPERS THAT HE HAS LEFT WITH OTHERS. I DON´T BELIEVE HER. THEN SHE PASSES ME HIS MESSAGE. "YOU DON´T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH HE LOVES YOU, BUT HE DIDN´T WANT TO SEE YOU UNHAPPY BECAUSE OF HIM. THAT IS WHY HE IS GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO LIVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, WHO WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY". I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. I REALLY LOVED HIM SO MUCH.

end of my life:

I LIVE ALONE TO AN OLD AGE. I SEE MYSELF AS AN OLD LADY, STILL RETURNING TO THAT CLIFF, REMEMBERING HIM.

THE CASTLE FROM MY HYPNOSIS AS I PAINTED IT FROM MEMORY

BACK IN 2000, I ALSO CONTACTED A PSYCHIC, WHO WAS ABLE TO CONNECT TO MY PAST LIFE WITH A USE OF MY PHOTOGRAPH AND DATE OF BIRTH. HER NAME WAS JARMILA KLAUDINGEROVÁ. I DID NOT GIVE HER ANY INFORMATION ABOUT MY HYPNOSIS, AS I WANTED TO HAVE ANOTHER OPINION AND I KNEW ANY INFORMATION MIGHT DISTORT HER VISION. I ONLY TOLD HER I THINK I LIVED IN ENGLAND. WHAT SHE WROTE GIVES ME GOOSEBUMPS UNTIL TODAY.

DEAR MISSIS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR LETTER. I TRIED TO CONNECT TO YOU AND SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TOLD ME, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT THOUGHT AND DESIRE. SUDDENLY, I WAS BEING PULLED AWAY FROM MY WRITING TABLE TO A PLACE WHERE WAS A STORM, AND THE LIGHTNING WAS CROSSING THE SKY. THERE WAS A CASTLE ON THE TOP OF THE CLIFF AND THE SEA WAS TRASHING ITS WAVES AGAINST THE ROCKY OUTRCOPS. THERE WAS A THICK MIST AROUND ME AND TERRIBLE COLD. I COULD NOT ENTER THE CASTLE. I DON´T KNOW WHAT CENTURY IT WAS, BUT I KNOW IT WAS SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH.

17/1/2000

WHEN I RETURNED FROM IRELAND SOME TIME IN 2001, I STARTED DOING MY OWN RESEARCH, STILL NOT BEING ABLE TO LOCATE MY CASTLE. I CHECKED ALL CASTLES ON GOOGLE, AND THEN ONE DAY, I SAW IT. THE DUNLUCE CASTLE IN NORTHERN IRELAND, ANTRIM. I WAS INSTANTLY EXPERIENCING DEJA VU, WHEN I WATCHED SOME VIDEOS AND PHOTOS. I KNEW IT MUST BE THE PLACE.

BUT IT WAS NOT UNTIL TODAY, ON 2/7/2025 THAT I TRAVELLED TO SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES.

THE MOMENT I STEPPED INTO THE CASTLE AND SAW DETAILS OF THE BUILDING, MY MEMORY CAME BACK LIKE A FLASH OF LIGHTNING. I WOULD RECOGNIZE THE MAIN BUILDING, CALLED MANOR HOUSE, WITH ITS BEAUTIFUL ORNAMENTAL WINDOWS, THAT WERE SO UNTYPICAL FOR A CASTLE ON TOP OF THE ROCKS, AND FOR WHICH REASON I HAD A TENDENCY TO CALL IT A PALACE. (THEN I ALSO DISCOVERED AN ARTICLE WRITTEN BY OLIVER PLUNKETT, THE ARCIBISHOP OF ARMAGH WHO HAD BEEN RECENTLY CANONIZED, WHO WAS A VISITOR AND DESCRIBED IT AS A "PALACE WASHED ON ALL SIDES BY THE SEA"), WHICH AFFIRMED ME FURTHER, THAT CALLING IT A PALACE WAS QUITE FITTING.

I RECOGNIZED THE BIG CENTRAL FIREPLACE THAT I SAW MYSELF SITTING BY, AS A LITTLE KID. I WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN TO DISCOVER IT AS IT WAS IN MY VISION. IT WAS SO BIZZARE TO STAND ON THE GROUND THAT I HAVE BEEN WALKING ON IN MY HYPNOSIS, I CAN´T DESCRIBE THE FEELING. I NOTICED THERE WERE ALSO MINOR MIX UPS, AS I BELIEVED I RUN TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE CASTLE TO WELCOME THE BOAT, BECAUSE NO BOAT COULD EVER LAND HERE, AS THE STRIP OF BEACH WAS VERY RAGGED AND SHALLOW. ALSO, I SAW NO WHITE CLIFFS IN MY BACK, WHICH WAS RATHER CONFUSING. FOR A MINUTE I THOUGHT MAYBE I JUST MADE THIS ALL UP, UNTIL WE LEFT THE CASTLE AND WENT BY A CAR A MINUTE AWAY FROM IT, TO SEE A SIGNPOST "WHITE ROCKS", WHICH LED US TO A BEAUTIFUL LONG BEACH ON THE LEFT SIDE OF CASTLE. AND GUESS WHAT. THERE WERE WHITE ROCKS BEHIND OUR BACK! THE STRONGEST FEELINGS I HAD EXPERIENCED HAPPENED ON THIS VERY BEACH.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE MORE INFORMATION THAN I COULD EVER HOPE FOR, I NEVER DISCOVERED MY NAME, OR WHO I WAS. I COULD HAVE BEEN DAUGHTER OF ONE OF THE MCDONNELS WHO OCCUPIED THE CASTLE IN 16-17TH CENTURY. THEY WERE FAMOUS FOR THROWING NOBLE PARTIES. MORE THAN KNOWING MY REAL IDENTITY, I WAS CONTENT WITH THE FACT THAT I RECOGNIZED MY HOME.

ACCORDING TO ALL AVAILABLE DATES, I CAN NOW CONFIDENTLY SAY - ALL THIS - MY HYPNOSIS AND MRS KLAUDINGEROVA´S ACCOUNT OF EVENTS, TOOK PLACE JUST SHORTLY BEFORE I TRAVELLED TO IRELAND. I WAS UNAWARE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE TRAVELLED BACK TO THE LAND OF MY PAST. IN SEVEN YEARS I HAVE LIVED IN IRELAND, I NEVER VISITED THE CASTLE, BECAUSE I DIDN´T KNOW IT WAS THERE.

MY DUNLUCE, A PALACE ON THE CLIFFS

THIS WOULD BE THE MANOR HOUSE, WHERE ALL THE PARTIES WERE HELD, AND WHERE MOST OF MY HYPNOSIS TOOK PLACE.

THE ORNAMENTAL GLASS WINDOWS THAT COUGHT MY ATTENTION IN HYPNOSIS ARE HERE IN ALL BEAUTY. THEY WERE ONE OF THE REASONS I CALLED THE CASTLE A "PALACE", AS THEY DID NOT FIT INTO THE COMMON IMAGE OF ROUGH IRISH CASTLE.

I WOULD WATCH THE NOBILITY COMING IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR, JUST BEHIND THE GLASS WINDOWS ON THE LEFT SIDE.

SO CLOSE, YET SO FAR. 400 YEARS LATER TOUCHING THE WALLS OF MY HOME

I SAW MYSELF SITTING ON THE FLOOR AS A LITTLE GIRL RIGHT IN FRONT OF THIS FIREPLACE, IT STUCK TO MY MIND THE MOST

THE SAME FIREPLACE, JUST DIFFERENT ANGLE

THE MOST VIVID MEMORY IS OF ME WATCHING THE CLIFFS BELOW

THE WALKING PATH ME AND MY SERVANT TOOK, WHEN TRYING TO DISCOVER THE WORLD OUTSIDE. THE RAILINGS WASN´T THERE 400 YEARS AGO, NOR DO I RECOLLECT THOSE STEPS. JUST A GRASSY HILL.

THIS EQUIPMENT STUNNED ME. IT IS SO MUCH WHAT IT HAS LOOKED LIKE, THE FLOORS, THE TABLES, THE WOODEN PANELLINGS, THE GLASS WINDOWS AND THOSE CLOTHES. ALL FITS THE ERA AND MY VISION